Trusting Him with all my heart

On the mountain top of faith, luxuriating in and in thanksgiving of the blessings He had showered on me which had foolishly led to impetuous words that had probably contributed to a sister-in-christ falling in her walk when the last door was shut insultingly in her face.

This led me to ponder on God's timing, why some doors are opened and when, why some are made to walk through the journey until the last door is shut in our faces and to reflect on the journey I have had so far.

Intoxicated as I am on my high now, it is hard to remember that doors were not always open for me. Even in this year, I also had my share of travelling on with hope until the last door was slammed shut in my face. I remembered that time, bearing with everything in His name, suppressing my natural instincts with few (specifically one at most two) allies so that His name may be glorified. And then comes the time when it had seemed my deliverance was near. I travelled along with hope, my steps getting getting lighter as I thought I saw my glory is near. And then, "Bam!", that door was shut in my face.

It was harder to bear than if the doors along the way had not been opened at all. I could no longer walk, but only crawl; I could no longer look people in the eyes, but only slump along like a worm; I could no longer plead for mercy but only despair in my heart.

It appears that at this point, there could be one of two possible reactions.

The first is to think that He has betrayed us, to focus on the pain, grow cold in the heart and stop trusting Him. Though salvation is not lost, we start ignoring all that our conscience had told us is glorifying to Him. Though we may not do what is specifically wrong, we are also no longer motivated to do what is pleasing to His sight. We shut Him out, do all we can to numb the pain, be tempted by the perceived pleasure of sin and sleepwalk through our worthless lives half-dead. We gloried that we are able to survive by the strength of our own hearts.

By God's grace and the support of 2 friends-in-christ, I was painfully led through the second path. I had cried out to Him in my pain. With tears streaming freely in the silence of my room, I had whimpered out my hurt and experienced fully what it had felt like to be a worm - despised and rejected by the world. I begged to be taken out of this situation. I wailed out the injustice that though some of my other brothers and sisters in christ were drinking and making merry, they were deaf to my cries and blind to my plight.

This pitiful sight quickly gave way to unmitigated rage - against Him!

Why do You put me through this and let my friends-in-christ make merry? Why do You lead me down a false path and had given me false hope? Is it Your pleasure to toy with me? Why do You even put me through this situation? Have I not done my best to please You? Do You hate me so much?

For weeks, I had raged against Him, like a petulant child throwing her fists against her strong and controlled father. I had probably also lashed against people who had unwittingly crossed me that time.

Until spent, was I able to remember His faithfulness to me, His personal call to me so long ago when He called me to be His child. I remembered His personal love and how He had taken care of me for so long. Would He abandon me now?

Only then, could I pray, "My Father, thy will be done. I trust that everything that had happened to those You had called, happened for good and for Your purpose. Father, though I cannot understand why this had happened to me, I know You are for me. What can men do to me if You are my helper?"

And slowly, He re-established my road, He gave me strength to persevere and climb up. He provided, sometimes quietly and subtly, sometimes with signs so clear I thought He wanted me to see clearly that it's His work, blur as I am. Until I reach the mountaintop that I am at now, and rejoice in thanksgiving for all the good He had given me and all the blessings He had lavished upon me - My current comfortable circumstances; friends I can count on; superiors who trust and think highly of me; colleagues who like and are comfortable with me.

For how could I appreciate this good, if I had not been through the valley dark and deep? How could I rejoice in my blessings, if I had not once lost all? Why would I want His presence, if I had not known the darkness of the world?

So taste and know that He is good. See how He saves those who trust Him. Experience how He deals bountifully with you.

And this could only come when we trust Him with all our hearts. Whether it is crying out to Him as our Comforter in our pain, or when He lovingly takes our rage against Him in grace, or even when we depended on His strength to persevere on when we are spent.

To our God and Father be glory, to our God and Father be praise, to our God and Father be worship, forever and ever always.