2 nights ago, in the queue at McDonalds, I caught myself thinking, "What a cute guy." about its branch supervisor.... moments before he caught me staring at him!
Embarrassed yet exhilarated, I shared this incident with 2 of my friends via sms. I was exhilarated not because he was THAT cute, but because it had been so many, many months since my heart was moved by ANYthing - be they touching, attractive or male. :p
It felt like I had walked through the valley of the shadow of death as new depths of fear, uncertainty and feelings of inferiority were plumbed in the past few months. There is a blanket between the world and me and I'd find it so hard to take in anything of the world. Everyday, I could feel a part of me shrinking, shrinking trying not to sense the world, cause every touch brings pain and a sense of unworthiness. Every morning, I'd find that I'd try to will myself to get back to sleep, much much later than the time that I'm supposed to be awake just so that I can escape from the day, and its pain.
Thus, it is no wonder that my heart stopped feeling for the things around me, so as to stop being (negatively) affected by them - including the beauty around me. Brad Pitt could simply walk by me and I would have been totally oblivious. I was like a zombie sleep-walking through the world, a parasite only feeding on the world's resources.
So you could understand the reason for my excitement at discovering that my heart had been moved. This in no way compromised my consistent experience of completeness in Christ, irrespective of my marriage status, but is an indication of my emotional and mental recovery.
Many times in the past few months, I would inwardly groan as I wake up for the day, "God, no, I can't face today! Please, please, bring me to You and take me out of this messed up world," and day by day, somehow, I would get through it - retiring at night never having the insurance that I would be able get through the next.
And yet at the moment when His goodness and glory will be most greatly witnessed - after taunting unbelievers implied that my troubles are an indication that my God was no help to me - He provided for me, to the gnashing of their teeth and provided me with the means to be somewhat gracious, prayerfully for their moment's pondering that perhaps, I do serve the true God.
Frankly, I'm kept humble by the fact that I'm still stumbled by words which tumbled unthinkingly from my mouth (a failing which showed up again this afternoon! Prayerfully, the consequences of this won't be great.)
Yet, I am still quietly grateful for my mind was brought to the promise by this 'cute' incident that highlighted the start of my recovery (no doubt due to the changes in my circumstances), "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor 10:13)
For "(our) God (had) met all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19) Praise be His name forever.
4 comments:
Babe I'm really sorry for not being there for you as much as I used to in the past. The lazy me would blame it on busyness with work, life, and struggling to find out what to do with life. Thanks for sharing your struggles and current challenges faced in your life. Guess things have not been easy over the past few months. Always know though that as stormy and grim the situation may seem right now, God will never let go. Let's meet up and pray again soon ok? You know who I am...
Glad that you're finally back out of the long tunnel that you've been in. Will continue to pray that you may be challenged to grow more in Christ with these experiences and not carry too many battle scars away!
Really thankful that you're finally able to be free. :)
Hey Anon, you were with me the time I blubbered about my struggles in the period when I had to maintain a strong facade. I'm grateful to you for that. :) I'm also sorry that I wasn't able to respond well to some of your care and concern. It's ok, sometimes our lives are very full and it is difficult to be around as much as we'd like when we're having our own personal challenges so no worries.
Hamster, thanks so much for always been there during my time in the tunnel and for always listening to my repetitive take on my struggles. It must have been so annoying and so boring to hear the same thing again and again and yet you still provided me the patient listening ear. I especially appreciate the constant prayers you and your wifey had offered on my behalf especially during the period when I was unable to pray for myself. Your christlike concern had been a big comfort. Thank you.
No need for the thanks when we didn't do anything lah. It wasn't boring or annoying at all, whatever you believe. Again, just glad you're out!
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