'And yet....' he said, 'and yet Father, I am terribly afraid. I am afraid that the things the Landlord really intends for me may be utterly unlike the things he has taught me to desire.' (Taken from "Pilgrim's Regress" by CS Lewis, in chapter "Archetype and Ectype".)
My recent conversation with Neonangel made me voice out a thought that surprised me and that also woke me up in the middle of the night.
I remembered waking up feeling utterly miserable and resentful that most good things in my life came because I have to overcome greater opposition and work much harder than most people to get them. A cesspool of emotions whirled in me. Bitterness - that I have to put in so much more effort than others for the same results; envy - that comfortable circumstances and thus freedom of choice just sail to selected people; anger - that I am not one of these selected people and why despite working so hard being 'good', I still don't see my desired rewards.
Should a New Ager approach me at that point and exclaim, "Sister, I envy you, the journey itself is half the fun. Long is the happy road in front of you." I'll happily pay the price of throttling the 'envious' individual to death.
Added to this depressing train of thoughts is this fear, reflected in the above passage from "Pilgrim's Regress": What if there is some sweet reward that God did not want me to have? Why did God not make me smarter? More alert? Quicker-on-my-feet? More capable? More courageous? That'll convince me tremendously towards His commitment to see good in my life!(That serpent that tempts and whispers!)
It's easy to prescribe the cure, but hard to take the medicine. (Well-meaning advice: Sister, you need to be contented with your current situation. Think about the many good things in your life you can be grateful for: Roof over your head, food on your table, your family's with you alive and well, and you have friends some of whom think well of you. Response: Yes but duh, everyone around me has them. The Christians around me have the gift of salvation, these things AND *etc etc* Am I the runt in the litter of offsprings of God?)
Yet it's only in quiet reflection of these things I want that I start to see the sliver of light that signals the end of the tunnel. I'd find the truth is I didn't exactly want these things but I want the perceived benefits that come with these things. I don't really want to be ultra rich, but I want to be secure and avoid the fate of a karang guni woman when I'm old (guess I can't be accused of being complacent huh? ;) ) I don't really want to be popular but I want to be trusted, liked and accepted. I don't really want to be with someone but I want to be unconditionally and exclusively loved.
Unlike a lot of humble, godly Christians in my life, I don't serve Him only to do my best to please Him. It is hard for me to be motivated to do something simply because it's my duty. Rather, I serve Him because I trust that my reward will come when He comes again. I trust that (besides being the ultimate Judge) He is the fulfilment of all my innermost desires (ultimate security, sacrificial acceptance, exclusive love.) For hadn't He already shown His Irresistible Grace, His exclusive love, for me when He made His clarion internal call, personally to me? I trust that my Maker who formed me (and my innermost desires) in the womb will know what best satisfies; my Bread of Life, my Living Water. I trust that By Him I will never hunger and thirst again.
"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. " (Ps 34:8-10)
Long (and joyful) is the road by which my heart will learn this.
2 comments:
CD, i don't know you, so i don't want to jump into conclusion of what you said in this post. but i'm compelled to share my own experience with you.
i feel i had went through a lot of pain in life. but i have came to realize it's these pains that drew me closer to God, without them, i'm not who i am today. since i like who i am today, i feel there's nothing i want to be undone in the past. yet, there were still times i wished things didn't happen the way they did; there were times i wished the pain can go away... but, it's the pain that keeps me in perspective with God's view; it's the pain that keeps me holding onto to God; it's the pain that taught me humility...
whatever that happened in our lives, God's the ultimate master planner. trust that nothing we suffered was futile. should you be bearing more than others, be glad that Satan thought you are worthy to "put" so much work on you. when it's smooth sailing through life, one should stop and ponder why Satan is not bothering him/her. we need not to compare to others, God has unique plan for each of us.
lastly, we love God simply because God loves us. it's the natural response, not a duty, and for reward. we got our reward ALREADY: it's God's love and salvation. it's God who gives first, not us.
take care!
Hi Yelri
Thanks for sharing and for comforting me. It appeared that you had gone through alot in your life and it is very encouraging to see that despite going through so much, you had held on to our Lord even stronger and firmer.
You are right in saying that given that we had already experienced God's love and free gift of salvation, our right and ideal response should be to gladly serve Him.
What I had shared is the struggles of me as a saved sinner. Like Eve, living in the Garden of Eden, walking with God Himself and surrounded by every good thing, she still felt the fruit from the tree of Good and Evil desirable. She succumbed because she believed in the words of the serpent.
Similarly as a saved Daughter, (trying to) walk with God, sometimes I look at my brothers and sisters in Christ around me and it appears that the good things in the world just come to them (in addition to being saved and thus being loved. See how the serpent works?)
What came to me ultimately is that even should these good things never come into my life, to recognize that His Second Coming will be the fulfilment of every desire and that this fulfillment does not lie in worldliness; either money, popularity or a loved one. (For I remembered that there were periods in time when I had those and still they did not satisfy.)
So, like you I believe in God as the ultimate Lord of our lives and I pray that I may die to my personal self so that I can be a more effective vessel for Him. May we both work for our reward in heaven. :)
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