On my way home yesterday, struggling with 3 people's dinner I did not pay attention at first to a big-sized man sitting across me in the bus.
Until the pink spine of a book in his lap caught my eye.
"That's strange", I thought, "that looks like a romance novel." The thought of a big man reading a romance novel was so unbelievable, I took a long hard look at the book, and confirmed that yes indeed, it was a romance novel.
I subtly took a harder look at the person, taking in the long eyelashes framing expressive, mournful eyes and the elbows, and my mind took a double-take on realizing that the person in front of me is a girl.
She was staring mournfully at a group of boys, chatting animatedly among themselves. I think I saw varying expressions run through her eyes - longing, hunger, thirst. A longing to be known as a person, her appearance overlooked as a definition for who she is; a hunger to be accepted and to be free to be herself; a thirst to be loved for who she is, faults and all, not needing to pretend that her character shows inner beauty.
I got off the bus at that point, my heart heavy. The truth is that, that's exactly how the world measures worth and success, the appearance of pleasantness, vitality, and how in-place everything about you appears to be.
In fact, that's how I generally measure the level of godliness in people's lives - the appearance of growing amount of thanksgiving, the increasing joy, the marvel of how everything seems to be in place in their lives and indeed, there probably are godly people whose lives' reality and closeness to God expressed themselves in these apparant signs.
Oddly though, the times when I am closest to Him is when my life is in the pits, either because of this fallen world's, or my own, sinfulness. Times when I am doubting, not thanksgiving, times when I sorrow, not in joy, times when I am broken, not when everything is in place. Times when I am fully able to acknowledge that yes, I'm disappointed: by people, sometimes by Your people; by Your created world, rewarding by biases not by merit; by circumstances, sometimes in violation of Your will. Times when paradoxically, my broken life is directly opposite to and least worthy of Your glory which You have directly given me access to nontheless, through Christ, my cover. Times when I am most ill at ease in this world.
Unlike the world which loudly proclaims "my peace I give only if you give me the semblence of an appearance of perfection", our Lord's peace, given not as the world gives, teaches,
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."(Matthew 5:3-6,8)
It's not the level of thanksgiving and joy that is an accurate measurement of godliness, not even the dedication and amount of service given to the body of Christ. Godliness is rather the centrality and intimacy of God in the person's life. It's only after our casting off of appearances in front of Him, that we have a chance to exclaim truthfully:
"Whom have I in heaven, but You?
There is nothing on earth, I desire besides You.
My heart and my strength, many times they fail,
But there is one truth, that always will prevail.
God is the strength of my heart,
God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Ps 73:25-26)
7 comments:
What if your life is truly happy?
Does your post imply that you must pretend to mourn to get close to God?
vithots, i don't think she implied that...
carpediem,
i really like this post, it gave me tears... i feel the same way. i feel like i was there with you on the bus. i can totally see myself going through the same emotion.
and i totally agree with you that, it was during my most painful days that i felt the closest to God. it was when we truly need God that we feel closest to Him.
ViThots, not exactly, the focus is on being honest with God, not needing to put on appearances so that we can have a real relationship with Him and possibly leading to true repentance. Thanks for your questions.
Shirley, totally with you on that sister. Glad this entry struck a chord with you. :)
2 Cor 12:7-10
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Take heart sister!
You got it, Hamster. :) It's when we're completely honest in front of our Lord (and most advisedly our Lord alone), weaknesses and all that we are able to gain strength from our Lord.
Thanks for the encouragement, brother. :)
hey carpe - thanks for sharing that. so true that nothing drives us closer to Jesus than pain... and it is through trials that what we know in our heads get exercised as faith in our hearts.
as for appearances, i agree with what you said to a large extent. but we musnt forget that growth & effectiveness in knowledge of Christ does display itself in the increase in virtues re 2 Peter 1 that we just learnt :) still, being fallable we shd check our motives & try to stay real before God & men, guard against doing things for our own glory instead of His - sth we all need to be watchful of! :)
Pearly: Yeah, you make a good point there about growth and effectiveness showing itself naturally in our outward behaviour.
I also think the times when we become closest to God is when we recognize our bankruptcy and show our true selves to Him (even if from others' perception your true virtue is showing :) )
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