Non-ARPC-going Sister-in-christ (SIC): I was in P's (a guy who she shares a mutual attraction with 6-7 years ago) room when I flipped through his journal.
[snip: dialogue discussing morality of going through others' personal belongings]
SIC: I came to the page where he wrote about the qualities he wants in his future wife:
- Pretty
- Cute
- Diligent
- Strong mettle of character
- Young
- Decisive
- Intelligent
- Feminine
.....
(My mind was in shock at that point in time. How can a wife stay consistently young? And how can you expect a young person to show the right mix of iron (strength in character) and silk(read feminine) at the same time?
SIC: I felt so sad on reading this that I really wanted to cry at that point in time. Sad for him, sad for me, sad for all his ex-girlfriends.
You know, CD, he is someone whom I really respect. Very manly, gives people a sense of security, diligent, disciplined and caring. If I did not read his journal, I would never have expected his expectations to be like this. Reading his journal, I sense his yearning for a devoted relationship with a worthy woman yet sets impossible standards for the woman who is to share his life.
I feel sad for myself: CD, one day, I desire to be married and have children. I'm over 30 and looking at his diary, I feel that there's no hope for a woman like me (Note: SIC is a very, very attractive woman with big soulful eyes).
....
I was sad and somewhat shocked when I hear her say this. P is no stranger to me and I know him remotely. If he, a seemingly decent and easy-going guy has such impossible standards in his inmost heart-of-hearts, wouldn't that generally indicate the checklist other guys have in theirs? I've always suspected some level of checklist in most people's minds, the revelation of such extreme expectations though floored me.
It is an indication though of the rules that govern the transactions of 'love' in this world: his wealth with her youth, his brains with her talent, his fame with her beauty; the more you are gifted, the more you expect in your future mate. To be unaware of this is to be an ostrich with its head buried in the sand, we do not have to look far to witness this in the world.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
...When we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved (from His wrath) through his life!" (Rm 5: 8, 10)
While we were still a stinking abominable sight to Him, He died for us. And in His death, He became our glorious bridegroom. It's even more extreme than say Prince William marrying the female elderly toilet cleaner in your office, or Madonna going out with the karang guni man.
Help us to look for what is important in Your sight and express true love the way you had meant.
7 comments:
yes, this is a little sad... actually a friend of mine just broke up with her bf because she thinks she couldn't achieve his high standards... he's a great guy too.
but i also wonder, how many of us, girls, are doing the samething, setting impossible standards for our future husbands?
You are right, Lukong, in your observation that it's not just a guy (or girl) problem. It's a universal issue that we all have to deal with personally in our hearts.
I think the root solution is the full dedication of our lives to the service of God as we recognize the truth that we are only stewards of our gifts?
Somehow, don't think solution is simply say 'Checklist is wrong' etc etc
dont know if standards can ever be deemed impossible or unrealistic..?
most of the criteria worked out in our heads & hearts are a result of experience, an understanding of what we feel are impt in a partner or mate. breakups dont necessarily mean the stds are wrong or too high. it might be justified incompatibility even if it involves two seemingly great godly people.
no one can judge if one is idealistic or not (only possibly judge if criteria are biblical or not). everyone has a right to his/her idea of what the partner shd be (she will have to live with him for life afterall!). if you cling to high stds, just be realistic & open to the possiblity that you may never find such a person (& so not marry) in your lifetime... which rightly, isnt the end of the world :)
personally, i think openness in allowing God to mold our priorities is impt. as opposed to having a fixed idea of perfection & gripping to it relentlessly.
there also shd be a realisation that everyone is WIP. no guy/girl is going to be as mature or wise as you expect him to be, now. we gotta spot the gems & take a calculated bet :)
that & working at being a man/woman worthy of such a partner.
its tough to strike a balance b/w finding someone worthy of your heart & commitment yet not look for perfection. i like to think somehow we are able to overlook the flaws if there are sufficient draws :) increasingly, i find love an irrational thing. sometimes there is no criteria list or formula for attraction. it just happens.
Pearly
Good take and thanks for filling in the gaps not explored in my entry. :)
In having a criteria though, it may sometimes be a good idea to stand back and check if there are points of potential conflict. (Some examples may include being easy-going and has an eye for details, spontaneous and is a planner etc)
We may not yet understand given that we're relatively young but don't you feel it's sad when youth (alongside with beauty, talent, wealth, brains, or worse still all in combination etc etc) becomes necessary criteria? I am sad for my older sisters-in-christ many of whom are attractive, wise, godly yet age acts against them.
Agree with you that attraction is an irrational thing. It hits you when you don't expect it. I feel that love is conscious action (generally more easily motivated when feelings of attraction is present), not a feeling; and generally (with exception examples) opposite to indifference.
yah i hear you abt the beauty, age thing. having recently heard get-tog stories of the enviable kind involving a couple of ladies in their 30s, things may not be that bad. still, choosing a life partner is a big decision so everyone has a right to be picky. singleness is better than a bad marriage...
right distinction b/w love & attraction. agree!!! :)
Ok, I know you meant this as a serious post but don't you think it makes my "hot seamstress" requirement seem that much more sane =)
Donovan, hello, not exactly helping the male cause here. I'm not endorsing his somewhat ambivalent list you know. :p
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