Constant Practising and Stage Fright

People who only know me in the previous 4-5 years (but not people who know me from my youth) will probably laugh at this but I'm really a painfully shy person, socially inept and who used to have a whisper of a voice.

The change was catalysed by a decision made about 5 years ago to overcome this by subjecting myself to making public speeches every week. It's hard to overcome my fundamental personality though because till today whenever I'm faced with the prospect of appearing in the limelight, adrenaline will pump through my body. Mostly it is manageable and I'm able to synergise it to influencing the audience to interest and excitement as well as a staccato delivery.

Sometimes though it manifests itself into paralyzing fear which happened yesterday when I was tasked to accompany singing on the keyboard. My hands and right foot (which was used in the control of pedal) went numb and pins and needles could be felt attacking my 10 fingers and foot. I was frozen in mortification as my mind kept screaming, "I'm paralysed! I'm paralysed!"

I went through the session just on the strength of the numerous practises I have had beforehand, which programmed my fingers to hit the right notes and my right foot to press the pedal at the right time once the first phrase has been played. Even the musical enhancements, naturally and spontaneously placed in when I was enjoying the music during private practise, were there more by automatic command than by conscious design. All the time, my hands and legs were shaking uncontrollably which must be noticeable to the people if they were not so busy burying their faces in the song sheets and my mind was just stuck like a broken record at "I'm paralysed!"

At the end of the session, people were clapping and patting me on my back:
"Well done, CD!"
"Wow I really love the passing fills you placed at the end of <1> line."
"The introduction is inspired."

Although I was grateful for the encouragement they have given me, the positive comments felt unreal to me because the truth is I was not paying attention to what I was playing. My mind was fully focused and simply stuck at "I'm paralysed!"

There were also moments when stuck at stage fright, I had simply frozen from occasions I would have breezed through if I was relaxed. The difference is always the amount of practice I have had before.

With numerous (and sometimes redundant) practice, even if I was stuck, my mind, previously programmed, will kick in and move my body or my words to what will move the event towards its successful conclusion. Without practise, when stuck, the result will be up in the air depending on the chance of what my body or my words express.

Isn't this the same reason why we are asked to persevere on in our walk towards godliness (2 Pet 1:10) and be constantly reminded of our faith (2 Pet 1:12)? It is this constant acting out of our faith that we are best living out the promise of His second Coming and in this sense, are practising on our answer should the ultimate temptation comes to us. This will ensure that our salvation is sure - no matter what our circumstances may bring.

Who knows, one day, we may be facing satan, the father of lies, himself, and we may be paralyzed, beguiled by him and the choices that are open to us. For all we know, the programming we obtained from our repetitive "saying yes" to our faith (be it through church ordinances or our daily obedience in everyday life) may determine our answer at that crucial moment and thus potentially where our final destiny ultimately lies. For all we know, this constant boring repetition may be God's way of choosing us and thus determine our destination.

Who we are (especially in God) is part of a function of our daily decisions in everyday life - whether we're saying "Yes" or "No" to obedience with His will. Be not bored by "this same old thing" which is ultimate truth and the only knowledge that really matter but let it be doctrine that sinks in, into the deepest recesses of our mind.