Men Pursue and Women SHOP

[Initially posted on 24th Jul, but want it to be easily seen by the Christian couple mentioned below so moving it up]

Met a married Christian couple for dinner today and it was sweet to see the amount of love and adoration that is still evident from their relationship. From the way they were free with their physical affections and in their communication - a mutual respect that does not come from fear or deadened self-restraint but from a rich love that does not shy away from expressing their personal thinking lovingly, it was abundantly felt that they are a couple still very much in love - even after at least 15 years of marriage.

Their interraction prompted my curiosity and probing questions were asked about their early courtship days. Their answers supported my viewpoint - that a long-term loving relationship has more probability to be established if the man feels the stronger attraction and pursues the woman from the beginning.

As a woman, it is observed that we normally fall into 1 of 2 mistakes that are in 2 different extremes. Either:
1) We give far too much of our time, effort and consideration to the object of our affection, living in the promise of getting his love.

This is sometimes prompted by the fact that we sense (accurately) that he is similarly attracted to us. What we fail to acknowledge is that he can be attracted to many different ladies at the same time and we may not be as much an apple in his eye as we like to think. The natural consequence is that when this promise is not fulfilled, we will be disappointed and may think that all men are scum who leads us on. The truth is it's not their fault and neither is it ours if we're not able to see it, it's just that men and women are made differently and generally we come to attraction through 2 different routes.

2) We siam (or run in the opposite direction) as quickly as we can.

In this case, generally, we are afraid of losing control especially over how our hearts and minds are racing when in their presence. The heart beat doubles and the mind fumbles so that stupid things come out of our mouths which we can kick ourselves privately at loooooooong leisure and we are terrified that this attraction we are feeling is just going to show. So we run, that nobody'll ever know. (Which is so stupid when we come to think of it, do we really want to be married to a person whom we are not attracted to as is the natural probable result that comes from this choice of action?)

So what's the wise thing that a gal can do if it's best that she don't pursue and she don't run? Easy, we SHOP!

Shopping is the attitude of browsing and looking, not being too anxious to "sell ourselves" or be too eager to present ourselves in the best light, but to be receptive and open to good people and things, although not placing our hopes in them with the full awareness that all people are sinful by nature and thus will possibly disappoint us. It is the freedom to be ourselves, serve and to have fun in the process.

Serves all Christians as siblings-in-Christ.

This is the far more precious relationship in God's sight than our human's natural instinct to relate to them as 'potential husbands', 'Eeeks! Not him!' or 'nice guy'. After all, it's only through Christ's suffering and death on the cross that brought about our adoption as His Sons and Daughters. Everytime we relate to them as a brother or to a female Christian as a sister, we are reminding ourselves of our true status with God and be able to rejoice and give thanks.

The amazing thing is treating the object of our affection this way will bring about the natural result of deepening the friendship and knowing his character so that if the attraction persists and something does come out of it, it will be supported by the strong foundation of friendship. If it's not meant to be, you did have a good time of fellowship and to know him at a deeper level.

Having said this, there are occasions where it may be loving to have distance. When the guy in question persists in pursuing a closer relationship, even friendship than is expected of normal, after you've expressed clearly that dating/courtship is out of the question. As one Brother puts it, "He wouldn't be pursuing a closer/more exclusive friendship with you if he's still not interested." In this case, it may be better to give each other space so that he may learn to depend on the Lord to fully get over you after a long time before the friendship is initiated again on a clean slate.

Hope in the Lord.

Isa 54:5 'For your maker is your husband, YEHWEH SABOATH (LORD of all hosts) is His name'. We are already given the most precious thing in HIM himself, which comes with it eternal life that will be free from sin, ultimate delight and joy. He is our ultimate bridegroom and husband and we should be working at our assigned task of presenting ourselves as spotless brides to him.

Unlike humans, who are often buffetted by the winds of emotions and circumstances, God will always love us by His covenant so He must be the ultimate place we place our affections.

1. Bring to His altar the best and most precious gift of our heart and its affections and all the feelings we have towards our intended to Him.
2. Thank Him for the opportunity of showing how much we should be loving Him by the example of how much we want to love and give to our intended.
3. Serve Him with the motivation that we want to serve our intended.

Trust that whether or not He brings our affection to us, it is all for our ultimate good (Rom 8:28). It is human nature though that we covet not just Him but also a human beloved who loves us exclusively and we sometimes fall into the trap that God had given us something less when we see Christian couples together. Doesn't this ring of Eve with the serpent?

So what if by our own wiles and machinations we bring our intended to us and lose Him and His purpose? "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world yet forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16:26)

The key is to be contented with what He has given us for He has already given Himself, will he withhold any other thing if it is good for us?

Staying Open.

Rather than following our natural instinct of running away, stay. Thank God for giving us these natural reactions and desires that come to the average woman and entrust these feelings to Him. Then relate to him as a brother.

Also, know that when we're having those fickle feelings of attraction, it is not a sure sign from God that He is the one God plans for us (no matter how many coincidences happen that make you think it's a match made in heaven! You can bet that unless he's interested in pursuing a relationship with you (where he'll ask you sooner or later anyway), he'll not see it).

Stay open and not be too quick to say 'no' to guys whom we do not feel an attraction to at the moment when they propose courtship. Generally, for gals, it is possible for attraction to be nurtured. Our task is to pray and ask God for direction only after a guy pursues. Even if we should have feelings for someone else, stay open to the possibility that this may be the guy God means for us to have and simply assess him by God's standard without comparison and without the worry of "What if my intended were to ask me later?" Trust that God knows how to do His job as God.

Pray everyday.

About anything and everything, especially about the willingness to give our intended up to Him, to do with these feelings as He will. Everyday, to remind ourselves that he is not ours but the Lord's, about staying open and loving our brothers and sisters in Christ. To depend on God to fulfill the tasks he means for us to do during this period and not to waste our effort and time pining after or talking about him who God did not means for us to have - at least for the moment.