My dear Pa

Prompted by my DG's questioning of a chinese saying, I got into a good mini-dialogue with my pa yesterday morning - rare in all these years.

Me: Pa, there is this saying, "有水的地方，就有华人" (where there's water (e.g sea, lakes, rivers etc), there you will find Chinese) right? Am I using the right words?
Pa: Yah, it sounds right to me. During the golden age of british colonialism, there's also the saying "Where there's sunshine, there you will find the English"
Me: Ooh, that sounds interesting. Have a good day at work.

A brother-in-christ who have had the opportunity to talk with my pa commented that my father is very knowledgeable, and indeed, my father's thirst for knowledge is complemented by his diligence, perseverance and belief that his hard work will pay off. Born into a lower-class superstitious family who proceeded to give him away to a foster family, he fought into the english education system from a chinese one (a feat along the lines of say a beggar working his way to buying an engagement ring from Tiffany's) for his 'A' levels and I remembered laughing at his stories of how he tried to hide behind books to prevent being called to answer questions by the GP teacher. Then too poor to buy books, he used to stay in bookstores, studying Mathematics and English textbooks for free so that he may continuously improve.

To finance his university fees, he took on accounting projects, teaching assignments at YMCA and a part-time job in a government agency then. This led to him missing all his lectures and he regaled me with stories of how he copied his homework from his classmates. And after hard studying for 4 years, he got the much coveted degree and the so-called promise of lifelong security.

Also a very good father, when caned as a child by my pa, I always knew the reason why - never at whim, always with a good logical reason. And often after, he will sit down with me and talk with me, "很痛吗？打在儿身上，痛在父母心中。我心痛过你肉身所感觉的。" (Is it painful? It pains me far more than the pain inflicted on you.) As a young child of 6-7 whose only concept of sleeping means closing the eyes and simply drifting into dreamland innocently, my pa was already teaching me about the sanctity of our own bodies ("Next time should your boyfriend tell you 'If you don't sleep with me, it means you don't love me.', your answer will be 'If you love me, you won't sleep with me until after marriage.' and walk out.")

Ironically, it is because my pa exemplifies the model of a good father, it was easy for me to understand the goodness of our Father in heaven and why He will accept us again and again even after we've done wrong repeatedly - the way a father can fully accept back his truly repentant prodigal child back again and again.

Perhaps because I'm the child that resembles him most physically, there is the implicit expectation in him that I take on his mindset and values. Quite often through my teenage years, I could sense him trying to influence me over to his way of thinking and position. Thus when I declared that I am Christ's, my pa was the one who commented most rigourously and in a deeply disappointed tone, "I thought that of my 3 children, you have your own mind, the strongest mettle and will not succumb to the brain-washing of these hypocritical Christians. Never did I expect you to be so weak."

It pains me that our sovereign God excludes a good, dependable and dedicatedly hardworking man like my father from His grace and mercy and I'm at a loss to understand why. Why are there so many Christians who are blatantly flaunting their sin and insubordination to God and so many good, considerate non-Christians? Consolation from well-meaning friends along the lines of 'You'll understand when you see Him again' feels woefully inadequate. How can I understand and rejoice if my family is not with me when we see Him again?

It is even more painful knowing that if he believed, there is a good chance my ma and my sis would have followed suit. When told that I was going to be baptised, my caring ma, wanting to be in the know of all her darling children's developments, grilled me on the time, the place, the proceedings, my perception of the pastors who lead the church. Gingerly asking her if she would like to attend 'the most important event in my life', she hesitated before shaking her head, "I must follow your pa. If he doesn't go, I won't."

I wish I can end this entry on a high note, but all I feel is despondence and numbness. Prayers feel useless, tears are dried, debates ended leaving broken hearts, explanations falling on deaf ears. Christ's words "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law — a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'" (Matt 10:34-36) seems unnecessarily cruel when you're the person who has to live through it. My hope, and a foolish hope it seems, is that if He can turn me - a person who had been decidedly against Him and His Son - to Him, He is able (and prayerfully willing) to turn my family to Him.