The Church's Accountability

My pa shared this gossip with me today:

"You know, it is romoured that X church and Y church are under investigations. Their cases may be similar to the recent NKF furore that had happened."

Although I was disturbed and frustrated on hearing it first thing this early afternoon once I've woken up, my reaction was just "Ok, ok" to acknowledge what my pa said without looking at his eyes (an evasive behaviour I'm already doing my best to overcome in ordinary circumstances). Although I don't belong to these 2 churches and my experience with them had led to me not concurring with their ways and views, the possibility of truth in these allegations is a poison to showing Christ's truth and light.

How can I explain to my pa that even if the allegations should prove to be true for these churches, it is the work of sinful men who allow their personal interests and glory to take priority over truthful biblical guidance? Most explanations would mean that I risk breaking up that real unity that Christ bought for true churches in my pa's eyes.

How can I backpedal in my spirited discussion with my aunt, who attends both these churches, some time back in the presence of my unbelieving ma as we talk through issues of stewardship of money?

People, who are in positions of influence in churches, and their accountability with the resources they were gifted with are in that thankless position of:
a) Not being acknowledged when they are faithful with what is given them within their official capacity. Most of the congregation just took it that spiritual leaders are uncorruptible as granted and given.

b) Should they be using these resources for personal gains, it will potentially make headlines in news which made believers disillusioned/wary of their church's leaders and potentially biblical teaching and unbelievers either trumpet about the hypocrisy of Christians/ Christian leaders or mock at the perceived lack of show of unity should Christians make explanations.

This is a reminder for me to show some sign of gratefulness and acknowledgement to our church leaders whom I have reason to believe are faithful with resources given. This may be one way to encourage them and give them impetus for continued godliness in this area.

This is also a good reminder of the care we must exercise in selecting godly authorities over our lives - whether they are churches, boyfriends/girlfriends (for their potential in becoming our spouses) perhaps even bosses or accountability partners. The chinese have this saying, “用人不疑，疑人不用” (trust those whom we have put our lot with, not to go along with people we are suspicious of.) For me personally, I've found that my assurance that comes from my church (which I'm a member of; where I belong) doing its best to live by biblical teaching means that I will choose to trust them to be faithful with my giving. True, I have no assurance that it'll never happen or even that it's happening right now, but even if they should stumble, I will trust that they will get back on the straight and narrow path with God's help.

On the other hand, how would you explain this issue if you are in my circumstances and your unbelieving family shares this rumour?

Younger Brother cheated at lot to give Elder Brother gift of Life

Heart-wrenching article written on Lianhe Zaobao today:

In Anhui province in China, two brothers named 大胡 (Da Hu, elder brother) and 小胡 (Xiao Hu, younger brother) lived in poverty. Their results and character are outstanding and they are very lovable.

In October this year, Da Hu was diagnosed with a malignant tumour and Xiao Hu was diagnosed with leaukemia not much later. To cure these 2 diseases will cost hundreds of thousands reminbi (approximately between twenty thousand to one hundred thousand sing dollars). Their poverty forced the family to try to borrow money and their school embarked on a donation drive for their students, even the local government donated thousands of dollars, yet after final calculation, there's only enough for one person's treatment.

Both tried to give way to the other brother to get treatment and the parents were also in a dilemma. After some discussion, they decided to go by lot to let fate decide who to get treatment.

Xiao Hu who immensely respects his elder brother wrote on both pieces of paper "treatment" and asked Da Hu to draw the lot first. As expected, Da Hu was "chosen by lot" to go to Beijing for treatment. Before he left, he told Xiao Hu, "We'll still be good brothers in our next life".

The article ended with the question that life should be priceless yet the decision of life or death fell on the drawing of a piece of paper. Are the lives of poor people so cheap?

I will update this post as and when I come across information on how we can help/contact the brothers as directly as possible.

Guidelines on writing a Sermon

Never written a sermon before and came across this which seems to give pretty practical guidelines on writing sermons:

http://joshharrisblogson.blogspot.com/2005/12/for-pastors-preparing-sermon-with-john.html

For reference of those who may need them.

Radiantly in Love Part II

Longevity of our loving response towards our Lord comes from true, real knowledge of Him, His Word and His promises. With real, true knowledge as the foundation and a heart that is right with Him, songs will then become one form of expression of our love and gratitude.

This song occasionally expresses how I feel about Him (which I know is inferior to His, shown by His persistent search that led to Him finding and saving me as a shepherd for that one lost sheep (Luke 15:3-7))

Take Me Deeper

Verse 1:
There is a longing only You can fill
A raging tempest only You can still
My heart is thirsty Lord to know You as I’m known
Drink from the River that flows before Your throne

Chorus:
Take me deeper, deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper, deeper than I’ve ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Verse 2:
Sunrise to sunrise I will seek Your face
Drawn by the Spirit to the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You a hope that will abide
Here in Your presence forever satisfied

What if the image of this blog is changed...

[last updated: 12/12/2005]
to this?

I'm wondering about your opinions of it? Thanks to sugar addict for doing up the blogskin. :) I like the general concept, may tweak some minor details. :) Really appreciated for all your effort.

Learning points in "A layman's guide to interpreting the Bible"

This entry is dedicated to my dear sister-in-christ, my non-DG J - the person who prayed 3 years for my salvation (despite overwhelming odds) prior to my belief.

Dearest J, thank you for being His instrumental helper in bringing me the greatest gift of all in this life - Christ, my sufficient be-all and end-all. May He always be your refuge and fortress, our God in whom we trust. Also, as you have requested, right here, learning points in this book. *You lazy bum ;)*

This looks like the type of book that is good for me but which I think I will never finish. I'm putting it as a blog entry to be updated periodically in order to have a public kick in the butt should I not continue studying this book for right understanding of the bible. On going a little further with the book, it seems that reading the book for yourself will be beneficial. Not only because Walter uses alot of succint, biblical examples (not covered in this entry) that will clarify concepts, his style of writing also inspires greater desire to know His word more.

"A layman's Guide to Interpreting the Bible" by Walter A. Henrichsen

This sentence in the foreword caught my eye, "Christianity used to be a trumpet call to holy living, high thinking and solid Bible study; now it is a timid and apologetic invitation to a mild discussion."

Guiding heart cry of a dedicated Christian - Ps 119:10-11 "I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you."

Divided into 3 sections:
I) Interpreting the Word
II) Studying the Word
III) Improving your Bible Study Skills

I) Interpreting the Word

Basic Assumptions:

- Bible is authoritative
- Bible contains its own laws of interpretation, which when properly understood and applied, will yield the correct meaning to a given passage.
- Primary aim of interpretation is to discover the author's meaning.
- Language can contain spiritual truth.
[Updated 27 Nov 2005]

10 general principles of interpretation

1) Bible (not tradition, reason, experience etc) is the final court of appeal
- Person acts and passage goes on to say if the act is good or not
- Person acts and passage did not say whether the act is good -> See action in light of confirmed teaching/clear commands in bible
- Clear commands -> Only applied in immediate circumstances then? Or generally for all time?

2) Scripture interprets Scripture
- Do not add or subtract from scripture
- Unclear portions to be interpreted by other clear passages
- Cross-referencing -> Refer to other passages with the same context, circumstances first. After that, then less importantly by specific words or phrases
[Updated 28 Nov 2005]

3) Saving faith and the Holy Spirit are necessary for us to understand and properly interpret the Scriptures

4) Interpret personal experience in the light of Scripture and not Scripture in the light of personal experience - allow word of God to interpret and shape experiences but not the opposite.
[Updated 11 Dec 2005]

Radiantly in Love / 神采飞扬

An atheist colleague made an observation today, a repeated comment that she had been making for the past few months:

She: You're glowing, I don't know....., there's something about you. You must have met somebody, didn't you? *conspiratorial wink*
Me: I might have, he just hasn't introduced himself to me yet. *wink back*

This is despite the fact that my face is breaking out worse than ever and I'm feeling greasy and bloated.

On retrospect, I probably should have responded: Yes, I've met the love of my life, the lover of my soul, Christ my Lord. Wanna meet Him over wine and nibbles* tonight?

For it's true, in terms of circumstances, I feel that I'm undergoing the most uncertain time since I've started working (midlife crisis??) and it feels that things cannot go any worse.

Yet God showed His grace and His providence especially through this trying period. At times when I feel so low, I felt like just breaking down and wailing like a baby even in the public, He brought sisters-in-Christ to me who met me by chance right there and then, just when I need them and agreed to my suggestion for lunch/dinner. I meet them at all the funniest places, E from ARPC (Thanks E (I know you're reading this), what can I do without you?) in the lift after work, SIC while going for lunch. They ministered to me by listening as I talk through my problems and possible alternatives, giving me a fresh perspective when I'm unable to get myself out of my moods and be objective.

Thank You for Your family in Christ, how can I not be in love with You? Prayerfully I can rest in Him as I trust that He'll walk me through this valley.

It also gave me the realization that most times, nothing beats just being there for people when they need me. Even if you feel you're no help, even if you feel totally redundant. Of course all these must be put in perspective of our ultimate service in Him but the importance of being there for people cannot be underestimated.

In terms of our relationship with Him, below are also suggestions that I've done at various points in time when I'm dating Him privately:

1) Having a prayer journal, the love letter with Him. It's amazing to see how our prayer priorities change as we grow, it's also a mirror for how we're transformed and a reflection of our new creation in Him. This also helped in the examination of ourselves and our hearts which are liable to deceive us.

2) Praying on bended knees. Hello, this is God you're talking with. Nothing brings home the reality of His majesty and His deserving all honour and glory than this simple act when alone with Him. In serials especially those dealing with ancient times, even the wife of the king must pay her respects to him before speaking with him. What more our God, who's King above all kings, Lord above all lords?

3) Total honesty. When talking with Him, sometimes I'd find myself trying to hide certain unsavoury details in my feelings towards people or circumstances. On reflection, I'm really just trying to hide these from myself in my ill-fated quest to convince myself that "Hey, I'm not that bad." I'd only find inner peace when I bare everything to Him, faults and all. In quiet prayer within my mind alone with Him, I'll burn with anger, wallow in self-pity or exult in pride before I could fully recognise where I have been sinful in my thinking, confess them, pray for help to be truly free from them and ask for forgiveness and clarity to see the blind spots that my heart may not see.

May all of us have a real relationship with Him that we may have an inner peace that can never be taken and which may be a light to people still shrouded in darkness. And may I be there for family and others when I should - even if such interraction may cause emotional pain to me.

*Wine and Nibbles: Aioli @ 5 Boon Tat Street, 1930hrs onwards tonight. E-mail me if you'd like to go and find out more about Christ.

Getting to the root of problems?

While confiding my problems to a SIC who hails from a chinese presbyterian church (and who incidentally also has a very rich charismatic background), she gave me some simple words that gives me food for thought:

“在哪里跌倒就在哪里爬起来” (Pick oneself up from the same place one falls)

What do you think her words mean? Is there biblical support (and the supporting biblical passages if applicable)? If so, what are possible biblical applications?

Pray for my eyes to be open with wisdom and a heart that is still in trust of Him.

Significance of Worship

This follows the idea in Definition of Evangelical

I was looking at this article Worship: Evangelical or Reformed

Although I hesitate to agree with the author's definition of evangelical vs reformed, the below quotation got my attention:

"....((F)or evangelicalism), God is present in worship basically to listen. He is not far away; rather, he is intimately and lovingly present to observe and hear the worship of his people. He listens to their praise and their prayers. He sees their obedient observance of the sacraments. He hears their testimonies and sharing. He attends to the teaching of his Word, listening to be sure that the teaching is faithful and accurate.

..... God is indeed present to hear. He listens to the praise and prayers of his people. But he is also present to speak. God is not only present as an observer; he is an active participant. He speaks in the Word and in the sacraments. As Reformed Christians, we do not believe that he speaks directly and immediately to us in the church. God uses means to speak. But he speaks truly and really to us through the means that he has appointed for his church. In the ministry of the Word—as it is properly preached and ministered in salutation and benediction—it is truly God who speaks. As the Second Helvetic Confession rightly says, "The preaching of the Word of God is the Word of God."

God is also actively present and speaking in the sacraments, according to the Reformed understanding. The sacraments are much more about him than about us. He speaks through them the reality of the presence of Jesus to bless his people as he confirms his gospel truth and promises through them.

The effect of this understanding of Reformed worship is that the stress is on the vertical dimension of worship. The horizontal dimension is not absent, but the focus is not on warm feelings and sharing. Rather, it is on the community as a unit meeting their God. Our primary fellowship with one another is in the unified activities of speaking to God in song and prayer and of listening together as God speaks to us. The vertical orientation of our worship service insures that God is the focus of our worship. The first importance of any act of worship is not its value for the inspiration of the people, but its faithfulness to God's revelation of his will for worship. We must meet with God only in ways that please him. The awe and joy that is ours in coming into the presence of the living God to hear him speak is what shapes and energizes our worship service."

Constant Practising and Stage Fright

People who only know me in the previous 4-5 years (but not people who know me from my youth) will probably laugh at this but I'm really a painfully shy person, socially inept and who used to have a whisper of a voice.

The change was catalysed by a decision made about 5 years ago to overcome this by subjecting myself to making public speeches every week. It's hard to overcome my fundamental personality though because till today whenever I'm faced with the prospect of appearing in the limelight, adrenaline will pump through my body. Mostly it is manageable and I'm able to synergise it to influencing the audience to interest and excitement as well as a staccato delivery.

Sometimes though it manifests itself into paralyzing fear which happened yesterday when I was tasked to accompany singing on the keyboard. My hands and right foot (which was used in the control of pedal) went numb and pins and needles could be felt attacking my 10 fingers and foot. I was frozen in mortification as my mind kept screaming, "I'm paralysed! I'm paralysed!"

I went through the session just on the strength of the numerous practises I have had beforehand, which programmed my fingers to hit the right notes and my right foot to press the pedal at the right time once the first phrase has been played. Even the musical enhancements, naturally and spontaneously placed in when I was enjoying the music during private practise, were there more by automatic command than by conscious design. All the time, my hands and legs were shaking uncontrollably which must be noticeable to the people if they were not so busy burying their faces in the song sheets and my mind was just stuck like a broken record at "I'm paralysed!"

At the end of the session, people were clapping and patting me on my back:
"Well done, CD!"
"Wow I really love the passing fills you placed at the end of <1> line."
"The introduction is inspired."

Although I was grateful for the encouragement they have given me, the positive comments felt unreal to me because the truth is I was not paying attention to what I was playing. My mind was fully focused and simply stuck at "I'm paralysed!"

There were also moments when stuck at stage fright, I had simply frozen from occasions I would have breezed through if I was relaxed. The difference is always the amount of practice I have had before.

With numerous (and sometimes redundant) practice, even if I was stuck, my mind, previously programmed, will kick in and move my body or my words to what will move the event towards its successful conclusion. Without practise, when stuck, the result will be up in the air depending on the chance of what my body or my words express.

Isn't this the same reason why we are asked to persevere on in our walk towards godliness (2 Pet 1:10) and be constantly reminded of our faith (2 Pet 1:12)? It is this constant acting out of our faith that we are best living out the promise of His second Coming and in this sense, are practising on our answer should the ultimate temptation comes to us. This will ensure that our salvation is sure - no matter what our circumstances may bring.

Who knows, one day, we may be facing satan, the father of lies, himself, and we may be paralyzed, beguiled by him and the choices that are open to us. For all we know, the programming we obtained from our repetitive "saying yes" to our faith (be it through church ordinances or our daily obedience in everyday life) may determine our answer at that crucial moment and thus potentially where our final destiny ultimately lies. For all we know, this constant boring repetition may be God's way of choosing us and thus determine our destination.

Who we are (especially in God) is part of a function of our daily decisions in everyday life - whether we're saying "Yes" or "No" to obedience with His will. Be not bored by "this same old thing" which is ultimate truth and the only knowledge that really matter but let it be doctrine that sinks in, into the deepest recesses of our mind.

Definition of Evangelical

This definition of "Evangelical" that newly popped into my radar is found in a Christianity Today article, C. S. Lewis Superstar

Evangelical Experience: Personal encounter with the God of the universe

"At the end of the day, (Lewis believed that) in Christianity you are confronted with a person that you either say yes to or no to … and that is very evangelical."

Unsure about the theological soundness of this statement, but good food for thought ay?

Songs before Christ

Some of you are curious about the songs that were composed before I know Christ. Because they were composed in my pre-mp3 player days, I don't have them on audio record. These are some of the titles of these songs in a by-gone age:

1) 幻想 (Fantasy)
2) 友谊 (Friendship)
3) 无奈 (Helpless)

And this is the lyrics of 《友谊》, a sampling of what was composed then. This was for a friend at a time when I thought that my friendship with her was over.

在那黑暗的生日天 我们最后一次见面
(In that dark birthday, we meet for the last time)
表面虽然和气 心里却空虚
(Although superficially fine, feeling empty inside)
因为找不到共同话题
(Because we weren't connecting)

在这黑暗的雨天里 我不禁又想起你
(In this dark rainy day, you, I can't help thinking)
想起我们的友谊 可能就此结闭
(Thinking about our friendship, possibly ending)
心里觉后悔 却无能为力
(Full of regrets but helplessly standing)

为什么我们以前不结伴同行
(Why were we previously not always agreeing)
却能毫不费力的保存友谊？
(Friendship still effortlessly keeping?)
现在距离愈远 思想愈异
(Now the further we drift apart, more we are incompatible)
这是结束的前奏曲
(This is the beginning of the end)

我知道倘若我们勉强在一起
(I know that even if we force our time together)
也会不知不觉地保持距离
(Unconsciously we'll keep our minds apart)
现在你走你地 各分东西
(Now you'll walk your way, different directions we'll take)
七年的担子放下 坦然分离
(7 years of burden I'll put down, walking away open-heartedly)

Looking back, I thank God for the joy I have in Him. My viewpoint of the world was so dark and my dependence on people and relationships so much more clingy that my sense of happiness and depression is a direct correlation of how well the people around me are treating me. Still unable to shake this off entirely but at least, I know and thus can remind myself of the reality that in Him entirely, I place my life, and thus my emotions.

May we always walk fully in Him.

Stephen Tong in Singapore

Stephen Tong - a pretty competent apologist will be in Singapore for a Christmas Gospel Rally.

Title: 神与人之间 (Between God and Man)
Date and time: 11 Dec, Sunday, 7:30p.m
Location: Singapore Polytechnic Convention Centre (Near Dover MRT)

I've gone to one of his rallies before and it is very good for intellectuals and sceptics who wants rational reasons proving God exists. The con (for ARPCians)? It's all facilitated in Mandarin.

I'm praying to be able to invite my dad. I believe it'll fulfill a few presumptions at the same time:
i) Christianity is not a western religion - Chinese (race) intellectuals are also in the faith.
ii) Intellectual justification - All religions do not lead to God, a relationship with God is not just good feelings or achievements in this life. There are rational, historically true reasons why Christ is the only way to the Father.

Do pray for me in this.

Godliness - a process, not a stagnant state

I can't believe I missed Rev J's sermon last week, I should have followed E to last Fri's service, his sermon today was so good.

His sermon today gave me the first inkling that godliness is a process in an individual's life, not a state the individual reaches in this life. The dynamic process of increasing godly behaviour described in 2 Pet 1:5-8 is actually the natural outworking of a heart constantly centred on God - true godliness. And this God-centredness is linked with hope of His 2nd coming, not fear of His judgement, because our salvation is guaranteed by faith.

It is amazing how God gives me timely reminders JIT - just in time - when I have the most need. I thank God that in my short 4 years of being in Him, I have not lost that wonder, marvel and gratitude of His work on the cross and His personal call to me. Yet the past 2 weeks have been a time of testing and uncertainty. At the point where I nearly forgot "_________ is not the boss, uh-uh", I am again reminded who my ultimate boss is and who every person will ultimately have to answer to.

Let me not get to heaven with an embarrassing burnt smell as one just simply escaping the flames, but as one who had constantly looked forward to His praise.

On the note of our state of reigning this earth under Him, here is an incomplete draft of a song resulting from homework from H for participation in a workshop in an upcoming camp. Derived from Rev 5:9-10. Pardon its rawness.

Preview of audio:

Please do not save the audio. Thank you.

Impossible Standards

Non-ARPC-going Sister-in-christ (SIC): I was in P's (a guy who she shares a mutual attraction with 6-7 years ago) room when I flipped through his journal.

[snip: dialogue discussing morality of going through others' personal belongings]

SIC: I came to the page where he wrote about the qualities he wants in his future wife:
- Pretty
- Cute
- Diligent
- Strong mettle of character
- Young
- Decisive
- Intelligent
- Feminine
.....
(My mind was in shock at that point in time. How can a wife stay consistently young? And how can you expect a young person to show the right mix of iron (strength in character) and silk(read feminine) at the same time?

SIC: I felt so sad on reading this that I really wanted to cry at that point in time. Sad for him, sad for me, sad for all his ex-girlfriends.

You know, CD, he is someone whom I really respect. Very manly, gives people a sense of security, diligent, disciplined and caring. If I did not read his journal, I would never have expected his expectations to be like this. Reading his journal, I sense his yearning for a devoted relationship with a worthy woman yet sets impossible standards for the woman who is to share his life.

I feel sad for myself: CD, one day, I desire to be married and have children. I'm over 30 and looking at his diary, I feel that there's no hope for a woman like me (Note: SIC is a very, very attractive woman with big soulful eyes).
....

I was sad and somewhat shocked when I hear her say this. P is no stranger to me and I know him remotely. If he, a seemingly decent and easy-going guy has such impossible standards in his inmost heart-of-hearts, wouldn't that generally indicate the checklist other guys have in theirs? I've always suspected some level of checklist in most people's minds, the revelation of such extreme expectations though floored me.

It is an indication though of the rules that govern the transactions of 'love' in this world: his wealth with her youth, his brains with her talent, his fame with her beauty; the more you are gifted, the more you expect in your future mate. To be unaware of this is to be an ostrich with its head buried in the sand, we do not have to look far to witness this in the world.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

...When we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved (from His wrath) through his life!" (Rm 5: 8, 10)

While we were still a stinking abominable sight to Him, He died for us. And in His death, He became our glorious bridegroom. It's even more extreme than say Prince William marrying the female elderly toilet cleaner in your office, or Madonna going out with the karang guni man.

Help us to look for what is important in Your sight and express true love the way you had meant.

Afterthoughts of Children's Church Camp

[Update: Amazing how faces are put to pseudonymous bloggers. Yes Hamster I understand your references. :) Probato, the intro. of you is here. ]

I've barely reached home 30 min ago after Children's Church Camp and boy, has it been very insightful yet tiring.Their boundless energy that forces me to keep up with them; The feeling of being overwhelmed when the kids start bombarding questions at me all together; I love these kids, yet at the same time this experience has helped me appreciate more deeply the gift of singleness as a blessing now as I experience a sliver of the backbreaking work mothers (happily) go through.

Children - sheets of clean paper

It is so amazing, when comparing my behaviour against theirs to learn how much of what has become socially acceptable, conformed behaviour in me. It became a real challenge then to prayerfully discern when their behaviour is simply difference in style (which would make me pharisaic should I correct it) or unloving, unneighbourly behaviour (which would make me overly liberally should I condone it). It is horrifying on reflection that there are many times when I have condoned/ be indifferent/ am too tired to care when I should exert myself to stand firm and correct and many times when I have insisted on my way when it is simply differences in style.

Experiencing them through this camp, it's amazing to experience that children are really sheets of clean paper, innocently expressing through their actions and behaviour who they really are inside. Being with them and being made temporary stewards of authority over them during this camp made me fearful of the magnified effect I have on them. There is so much potential that they can either become beautiful pictures glorifying God or spotted waste paper good for only being thrown into the trash that makes a person conscious of words and actions that are made in their presence. My limited ability with them sometimes mean that I feel overwhelmed by this consciousness and I would space out mentally and emotionally when I should be fully present for them.

Children - Expert Psychologists

They can really tell when you truly care about them or if you're just trying to humour them so that we can get right along in our timeline. My impatient plodding of a child for why she's crying so that I can quickly find out the cause, solve it, sooth her and lead our study to its eventual conclusion within the time allocated leads to her sullen clamming while silent tears continue streaming down her cheeks, while the caring words of PH after I asked her for help while continuing with the study, led to the finding out of the cause and hopefully the total resolution and peace in her heart. I wonder what kind of example I'm setting to the group with this?

Another time, my long-winded treatise of her powers of observation to a child as her strength to her question of what she should do for her future led to her quiet, "I'm observing you right now."

My, "Why?" led to her picture-perfect, "Awww" moment of:
Her: Cause I want to remember you forever.

It is also interesting to note that the children I have had the focus, time and energy to engage in or even rebuke, sometimes fiercely and with glaring eyes, were in the end the children who stuck closely to me and confide in me. Children whom I close one eye conversely were the ones who regard me with apprehension and with an invisible barrier and whom I sometimes find hard to reach. Children really can instinctively discern if you fully care for them or are simply resigned to them and their response to or withholding of love is an immediate feedback of the amount of charity (Christian love) we are exhibiting at that period in time.

God - the ultimate author and perfector of faith, ours as well as theirs

On reflection, alot of stress I feel on trying to be a "paragon of virtue" (and failing miserably in the process) is due to the fact that I'm still depending on my own strength to be a "good Christian". This had led to me (as expressed above) not being fully present for the kids when I should, not finishing up the disciplinary rebuke which I have had rightfully imposed on recalcitrant behaviour (that probably gave them half-baked lessons on what is God-glorifying behaviour), my impatience on 'flogging' the children along the time-table I have had adhered to. This gave me the realization that there's no way for me to help them towards true faith and belief and expressing a true God-as-Lord reverence and love in their lives.

Rather, God brings the children as He wills into our lives, choosing us to be His imperfect ambassadors at His perfect timing, and it is He who cause the seeds we've sown to grow or not. On reflection, there really isn't any need on my part to feel stress (although we should always be aware) about the magnitude of the effect. Our responsibility is simply to do to the best of our abilities, not caring or impatient about man-made time-tables or objectives but simply to respond to His quiet prompting about the right thing to do, which we will only get through prayer in the first place.

Dear God, help me to be still, recognize the central importance of prayer to listen to your gentle commands in my life that I may always do what is pleasing in your sight:

“轻轻听，我要轻轻听，
我要側耳听我主声音。
轻轻听，他在轻轻听，
我的牧人认得我声音。

你是大牧者，生命的主宰，
我一生只听随主声音。
你是大牧者，生命的主宰，
我的牧人认得我声音。”

("Quietly listening, I want to quietly hear,
I want to cock my head and hear His voice.
Quietly listening, He is quietly hearing,
My Shepherd recognises my voice.

He's the great Shepherd, the life's Sovereign Lord,
I'll listen to Him all my life.
He's the great Shepherd, the life's Sovereign Lord,
My Shepherd recognizes my voice.")

Eph 5 Love Story / 以弗所爱的故事

Some time back, this song was inspired for our friends' wedding which a group of us performed for their church wedding.

It holds a special place in my heart because this is the first song that was inspired after I had become a Christian and it's a song of joy and hope. The songs composed before I believed were all songs expressing disappointment when people close to me had let me down in one way or another and thus this gift and the discovery that I can write uplifting songs is a delight to me.

This is made public after the personal portion of the lyrics have been changed to protect the couple's privacy as and acts as a record of my complete Mandarin lyrics. You can preview the audio below:

Girl: Light of her smile, a stirring in him

Shy advances, first steps from him

Guy: Once in darkness, now hope arising

Will she come to me Lord tell me?

Girl: Feeling empty, will he be coming?

Heart's uneasy, why am I waiting?

Guy: Patience darling, it's in His timing

Trust in Him for God is leading

Bridegroom & Bride: God is watching, two hearts beating

Beating as one, united in Him

Bridegroom: Pledged to love her, keep her holy

Bride: And submit to him in everything

Bridegroom &amp;amp;amp;amp; Bride: Older than time, like Adam & Eve
Bones of his bones, belonging to him
Bride: Great love story, profound mystery
Bridegroom: It's actually of Christ and His redeemed

女：回头一笑 已触动他心

慢腾前进 为与她亲近

男：本是迷茫 希望却降临

梦想能够与她同行

女：孤单侵灵 心里又空虚
沸腾情绪 坐立不定
男：安定心情 凡事有定期
万事都在天父手里

新郎与新娘：神守护你 两心欢喜

齐心共鸣 在他旨意里

新郎：全心全意 爱呵护你

新娘：把我的生命交托给你

新郎与新娘：像创世记里 亚当与妻

骨中的骨 全都属于

新娘：伟大爱历 深奥的秘密
新郎：其实是关于基督与他的子民

Preview of audio:

Please do not save the audio. Thank you.

Special thanks to J for coming out with the chords and piano accompaniment. You've been a wonderful partner in this. :)

In addition, I'd like to record the new version. So if you're a male vocalist who is able to play the piano (preferred)/keyboard at the same time, let me know. It'll also be good if there is a recording facility. :)

I've made changes to the chords (mainly because I've lost the chord chart J has written out for me) and also because I was trying to convey subtle differences in mood (Hope you don't mind, J).

Do let me know your thoughts for this song. :)

Jehovah Jireh

I was happily singing this song, basically just enjoying the somewhat bouncy rhythm until I was given a gentle reminder, "Think about an area in your life you're facing weakness in, and use this song to express your reliance on His strength."

It was only then, then and not sooner, that the words start to take on life to me. Purely looking at the words, it looks like the author is at a spiritual high and appears to be an exultation of the fulfillment of God's providence in the author's life. However, the key of the song is in a minor which adds a tinge of sadness to the overall mood. The overall interpretation is that the author affirms God's faithfulness in the life and circumstances even in the midst of trials and tribulations.

" My God shall supply all my needs
According to His riches in glory
He gave His angels charge over me..."

Isn't it true though? The times when we are at a high will be times when we disregard the presence of God in our lives. Going to church, what we'll hear during sermons are, "Christ is the Son of God.... yada yada yada....." irrespective of what was being said. It's only during times of doubt, times of fear, times of uncertainty, times of trouble, that we will then devotedly listen to His word and promises, depend on His strength and eagerly long for His return.

Any wonder then that God allows trials and pain in our lives (even while providing for us then) that we may not get too comfortable here?

The accompanying bible passage that was given to us may be good food for thought, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Cor 12:9)

A good reason to stay home on Friday evenings

Falling into the trap of being sucked into the next TV programme following the watching of "She's too young" (a look into the lives of varied forteen-year-old teenagers after they got syphillis), I stumbled across a good programme that turned out to be very educational.

"Wife Swap", a reality TV show that looks into the lives of 2 families whose wives go to live at each other's household for 2 weeks. In the first week, the wives must abide by the lives of their new household which is the lifestyle of the original and rightful wife. In the second week, the wives get to set the rules for their new households.

The first family introduced is a regimented family. The husband used to be a navy officer and runs a tight ship in his household. He will have a room check at 9p.m every evening, wearing a pair of white gloves to run his fingers through every furniture to check if his 2 sons have cleaned their rooms flawlessly. The sons help their mother (his wife) with the housework and the only person who does not do any work and is served like a king is the husband. The wife, Nisee, even has to get his portion for him, pile everything neatly into 1 plate and bring it to him in the living room for him to eat while watching TV. On Nicee's part, I marvel at watching a Proverbs 31 wife in action on TV. She is a full-time homemaker, gets up at 5a.m every morning, takes care of her entire household and keeps herself busy the whole day. Not only does she take care of her own sons, she also takes care of her neighbours' children, some nearly as good as a newborn. Her only fault is her tendency to check on her sons (a 19-year-old and 15-year-old) every hour, finding out where they are and what they are doing, sometimes even going down to where they say they are to find out if they're speaking the truth.

The second family, an overly liberated family, has only one rule: There are no rules in the household. Vicki, the wife, wears the pants and the children (a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old) are allowed to run their lives in any way they like. They can choose to sleep anywhere and at anytime they wish. The husband is unemployed while the wife, Vicki, is the sole breadwinner working the hours of 2pm-10pm after which she'll spend her time at the casinos until 5a.m (it looks like she's trying to escape her household huh?) in the morning before going home to sleep until noontime. The natural result is that she doesn't spend much time with her children. Because the guy is unemployed, he does all the housework around the place. Also, while Vicki sleeps in the bedroom, the husband sleeps on the couch - for the past 3 years.

The usual happens, the wives go over to live at each others' houses and the usual conflicts and fights arise when people with extremely different habits are forced to live together and the usual lesson that a healthy moderation (although it appears from this show that erring on the side of discipline is desirable) is the way that joyful families are made.

What got my attention was that while Nisee was probably inwardly irritated with "regimented husband"'s inactivity and bumming around the house, she continued serving him and his double standards quietly and uncomplainingly for the past 20 years. It was only Vicki's changing of the rules and having "regimented husband" do all the housework that got him to realize how hard housework really is and appreciating what his wife had done so far so that he changes on his own volition. In fact, faced with "liberated husband"'s wimpiness, she gave him tips on how to be the head of the household, not through the direct pointing out of his faults, but by coaching him on how to discipline his young son and letting the results (and probably his new good feeling of being the rightful leader of his family) be the motivation for his continued, natural desire to taking control.

It probably gave Vicki a pleasant surprise when "liberated husband" gave the firm instruction some time after being reunited, "I'm not going to continue sleeping on the couch, we're sleeping in the bedroom from now on.", her changing of jobs to something that allowed her more time to be with her children led to a closer family, more love as well as "more activity in the bedroom" in Vicki's own words.

It is definitely an eye-opener to see the reality of a transformed family life when everything moves towards God's order of a family. The children under the headship of the parents means happier, better-adjusted young people (even if it means "the tearing of my heart" in the words of "liberated husband") who knew they are in the hands of able guardians who are strong enough to protect them. The submissive wife under the headship of a husband, who is willing to lead lovingly, is a woman who can feel safe enough to open up her vulnerable side and simply step back and be beloved. The husband who takes on all the responsibility of directing the household gets to witness the fruit of all his labour - the flourishing, respectful family, the respect that he knows he is worthy of and fully deserves, the exhilaration of seeing things done right, the way that he had meant them to be.

Ladies against Feminism

I've yet found out what feminism is about but this web-site looks interesting: Ladies against Feminism

There's even a section in it for men, written by men: Responsible Manhood

In fact, there are a few articles of interest:

The call to the High Places- The Ultimate Romance. "...if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can.” is especially poignant.

Being your Father's Daughter- I feel that a verse is quoted out of context but a refreshing article

Thoughts on Singleness- A rehashed expression of an old topic but a good reminder

All under the section 'Especially for the Unmarried'

Appearances

On my way home yesterday, struggling with 3 people's dinner I did not pay attention at first to a big-sized man sitting across me in the bus.

Until the pink spine of a book in his lap caught my eye.

"That's strange", I thought, "that looks like a romance novel." The thought of a big man reading a romance novel was so unbelievable, I took a long hard look at the book, and confirmed that yes indeed, it was a romance novel.

I subtly took a harder look at the person, taking in the long eyelashes framing expressive, mournful eyes and the elbows, and my mind took a double-take on realizing that the person in front of me is a girl.

She was staring mournfully at a group of boys, chatting animatedly among themselves. I think I saw varying expressions run through her eyes - longing, hunger, thirst. A longing to be known as a person, her appearance overlooked as a definition for who she is; a hunger to be accepted and to be free to be herself; a thirst to be loved for who she is, faults and all, not needing to pretend that her character shows inner beauty.

I got off the bus at that point, my heart heavy. The truth is that, that's exactly how the world measures worth and success, the appearance of pleasantness, vitality, and how in-place everything about you appears to be.

In fact, that's how I generally measure the level of godliness in people's lives - the appearance of growing amount of thanksgiving, the increasing joy, the marvel of how everything seems to be in place in their lives and indeed, there probably are godly people whose lives' reality and closeness to God expressed themselves in these apparant signs.

Oddly though, the times when I am closest to Him is when my life is in the pits, either because of this fallen world's, or my own, sinfulness. Times when I am doubting, not thanksgiving, times when I sorrow, not in joy, times when I am broken, not when everything is in place. Times when I am fully able to acknowledge that yes, I'm disappointed: by people, sometimes by Your people; by Your created world, rewarding by biases not by merit; by circumstances, sometimes in violation of Your will. Times when paradoxically, my broken life is directly opposite to and least worthy of Your glory which You have directly given me access to nontheless, through Christ, my cover. Times when I am most ill at ease in this world.

Unlike the world which loudly proclaims "my peace I give only if you give me the semblence of an appearance of perfection", our Lord's peace, given not as the world gives, teaches,

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."(Matthew 5:3-6,8)

It's not the level of thanksgiving and joy that is an accurate measurement of godliness, not even the dedication and amount of service given to the body of Christ. Godliness is rather the centrality and intimacy of God in the person's life. It's only after our casting off of appearances in front of Him, that we have a chance to exclaim truthfully:

"Whom have I in heaven, but You?
There is nothing on earth, I desire besides You.
My heart and my strength, many times they fail,
But there is one truth, that always will prevail.

God is the strength of my heart,
God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Ps 73:25-26)

Chuppie from ARPC

Finally, the longed-for meeting of a chuppie (chinese yuppie, thanks Cheemoth for introducing that word to me) blogger from ARPC, so I'll no longer be the lone sore thumb in ARPC who occasionally blogs/talks in Mandarin. :)

Chuppies are such rare breeds in ARPC (well, at least in my social circle within it) I thought this warrants a special entry showcasing "Mr Toilet Warden's" blog: http://probato.blogspot.com :) Enjoy.

My MBTI - What's yours?

Different results from another MBTI test taken previously.... Wondering if I've changed...

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

Your #3 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

The Security Guard

I've only been able to reflect about the previous security guard in my condominium in the past weekend - something I was trying to ignore for the past few months by forcing it to the back of my mind.

I remember the numerous times he had given concessions to my friends in parking/waiting time/ parking just to eat at the nearby eating places (as opposed to visiting someone in condo), the times we drank cold milo on a hot day while chatting about recent happenings, I remember the pride in his voice as he talked about the many grandchildren he had.

I also remember the day on my way to church for service one day, he stopped me with a friendly, "So you're going to church? It's good to be religious."

I dashed off a "Yah, but isn't a relationship with God more important?" and, without waiting for a reply, walked briskly towards the bus stop.

Why didn't I take that opportunity to witness to him, a muslim, and share with him the goodness of Christ? Even if I should miss the last 11:15a.m service, wouldn't it have pleased God more, if I had used that opportunity to potentially bring 1 more soul into His kingdom?

A few months later, I noticed he was no longer around when bringing biscuits to the guard house. It was later known that he was in a coma from stroke and died a few days later.

This made me realize the importance of making every opportunity we're given to evangelise, not to go after people with hammer and tongs, but rather, in making use of every opportunity presented to us, to share what we know about our Lord's goodness. Many times, we cut off meaningful communication in favour of checking against our to-do list; to run in the rat race of adding another feather in our cap, of adding to our accomplishments. Sometimes, the chance for that life-changing conversation is given only once before being lost forever.

Throughout all this time, although he had always addressed me by name, I could not remember his-not even now. Why? The shameful truth is that I never bothered to, too caught up in my supercilious snobbishness which is based on nothing more than man-made social boundaries and privileged circumstances that gave me what I have now.

I pray that I may truly repent and then to be given discernment to see people the way God sees us - unlovable yet loved, detestable yet cared for, undeserved yet given good things - beyond man-made boundaries, social or otherwise that I may do what's right.

Making godly choices

After a bible talk yesterday, a conversation with a friend,Sakae, went like this:

Me: May I ask you a 2-part question?
Sakae(S): Sure, go ahead.
Me: Have you considered if it's godly to go clubbing?
S: I think it depends on the real reasons why you go clubbing. If we're there to hang loose, why not? But if we're there to do sexy moves and get drunk, then as Christians, we may need to consider why we are going clubbing. That's why I would prefer a bar. I feel it's expensive though.
Me: That sounds good, have you also considered if we're being a good steward of our money when we're going to these places?
S: ........ Why don't you ask (a leader's name) about this?
Me: My style will probably lead him to think that I'm questioning his lifestyle choices. I feel that this is a grey area with no fixed rule so it's not something I really need 'guidance' in. Will probably ask people as and when it's opportune to do so to have an understanding of why they choose to go clubbing/not go clubbing. Would you like to ask him?
S: I think I would.
Me: Cool, let me know what he thinks.

Or on going out one-to-one with friends of the opposite gender:

(Another) friend: Haven't you read Joshua Harris?
Me: ([Unspoken] I had read his first 2 books 6 times... each, feel he writes great books which gave me a more godly perspective on BGRs but) He's not God ok?

[Apologies, I must end this incomplete post. Just realized that for posts I don't end in the same block of time I start are doomed to incompletion... I've lost my train of thought!]

Well-wishes for non-Christians?

I'm going to attend the first non-Christian wedding in an hour after a full year of immersion in local church life. As I sit down to pen my well-wishes to my friend, I was struck by writer's block as I pondered:

How can a life be well when you're not in relationship with your maker, no matter how smooth the life may appear?

Debating between a more 'passionate' evangelical message or an indifferent neutral message, I settled on a subtle message: "May your marriage lead to an eternity of joy and bliss" for how can a life without Christ lead to an eternity of joy and bliss?

Suggestions?

Thank you

Thank God for the few people who took the time to send me an e-mail expressing your concern and your prayers. I am ok with Him, questions still unanswered but able to have peace with Him. I am touched and very grateful by the love that comes from a kinship in Christ and especially to the couple of people who offered yours or your wife's counsel and time that I may be encouraged and may persevere on in our hope. The most amazing part is I still don't know you, except for your online identities and I'm grateful at the concern you've shown to a mere stranger like me. For all of you, I pray that God may show His realness and faithfulness to you, that you may fully know and experience His presence with you.

I also thank God for the truth seeker who shared a little about your spiritual walk with me. Thank you for trusting this private portion of your life with me. I am sorry that I have not yet replied and will answer you soon. I pray that you may know His goodness.

For all readers, I know that I am in some of your prayers and I thank you for talking with God about me. Thank you for your support in reading and it's the awareness of you, which keeps me accountable to the will that God wants me to do in my life. I pray that His wisdom will always be in you.

Had composed a song during this period, its tune is unpalatable and lyrics largely private. However, the lyrics of the chorus is a reminder of our hope and I thought it'll be good to share it with you:

Previous verse: Help me stay the faith and keep me safe

For one day our King will come
Jesus Christ, God the Son
To redeem Your precious Bride
Sealed with Your Spirit, clean and white
God, our Father, keep me safe till He arrives

May God's reality always be crystal clear to us no matter our circumstances.

Funeral Planning

Looking at island's post prompted me to start thinking about what I want for my funeral.

I'd definitely want a Christian funeral because it will be a wonderful opportunity to witness to my loved ones. The songs that I would want sung would be 'It is well with my soul' and 'It's your blood'. The passage I'd want explained will probably be Rev 20:11-21:7.

What's in a name?

Before I came to Christ, I've always been known by my Mandarin name - the name which harbours my parents' ideal of me (it happens to be the same repeated word e.g Tingting, lingling etc) and my circle of close friends and loved ones will often shorten it to a single word (e.g Ting ah, Ling ah etc).

It was only the year before I come to Christ that I use my English or 'Christian' name - the name my parents choose for convenience purpose (so that it'll be easier for others to remember your name). It just ocurred to me that most Christians who appeared in my life before I come to Christ be they passerbys, people who witnessed to me, classmates, people who invite me to their church etc all know me by my Christian name although I was commonly known by my mandarin name.

Is there a significance or mere coincidence?

Soul-searching Season

Dear fellow siblings-in-christ and seekers of the truth,

Thank you for being with me, silently reading my blog or posting your comments on it. The awareness of people reading it had helped me to pray about writing entries that edify rather than discouraging ones and this helps to build the awareness in me about what should be right Christian conduct as opposed to complacent habits that I may become too comfortable in.

Because I am in the process of seeking some answers with Him, blog entries may become more rare. Don't worry, He is still my Lord and I think I am very much safely in His church. It is just that as I am walking through this valley with Him, I do not want to write either hypocritically bright entries or burden with my dark emotions that may potentially stumble others.

If you would like to pray for me, pray that I may hold fast to Him. If you'd like to encourage me privately by letting me know you're praying for me, my e-mail is ms.carpediem (at) gmail.com.

May our Lord be with you.

My dear Pa

Prompted by my DG's questioning of a chinese saying, I got into a good mini-dialogue with my pa yesterday morning - rare in all these years.

Me: Pa, there is this saying, "有水的地方，就有华人" (where there's water (e.g sea, lakes, rivers etc), there you will find Chinese) right? Am I using the right words?
Pa: Yah, it sounds right to me. During the golden age of british colonialism, there's also the saying "Where there's sunshine, there you will find the English"
Me: Ooh, that sounds interesting. Have a good day at work.

A brother-in-christ who have had the opportunity to talk with my pa commented that my father is very knowledgeable, and indeed, my father's thirst for knowledge is complemented by his diligence, perseverance and belief that his hard work will pay off. Born into a lower-class superstitious family who proceeded to give him away to a foster family, he fought into the english education system from a chinese one (a feat along the lines of say a beggar working his way to buying an engagement ring from Tiffany's) for his 'A' levels and I remembered laughing at his stories of how he tried to hide behind books to prevent being called to answer questions by the GP teacher. Then too poor to buy books, he used to stay in bookstores, studying Mathematics and English textbooks for free so that he may continuously improve.

To finance his university fees, he took on accounting projects, teaching assignments at YMCA and a part-time job in a government agency then. This led to him missing all his lectures and he regaled me with stories of how he copied his homework from his classmates. And after hard studying for 4 years, he got the much coveted degree and the so-called promise of lifelong security.

Also a very good father, when caned as a child by my pa, I always knew the reason why - never at whim, always with a good logical reason. And often after, he will sit down with me and talk with me, "很痛吗？打在儿身上，痛在父母心中。我心痛过你肉身所感觉的。" (Is it painful? It pains me far more than the pain inflicted on you.) As a young child of 6-7 whose only concept of sleeping means closing the eyes and simply drifting into dreamland innocently, my pa was already teaching me about the sanctity of our own bodies ("Next time should your boyfriend tell you 'If you don't sleep with me, it means you don't love me.', your answer will be 'If you love me, you won't sleep with me until after marriage.' and walk out.")

Ironically, it is because my pa exemplifies the model of a good father, it was easy for me to understand the goodness of our Father in heaven and why He will accept us again and again even after we've done wrong repeatedly - the way a father can fully accept back his truly repentant prodigal child back again and again.

Perhaps because I'm the child that resembles him most physically, there is the implicit expectation in him that I take on his mindset and values. Quite often through my teenage years, I could sense him trying to influence me over to his way of thinking and position. Thus when I declared that I am Christ's, my pa was the one who commented most rigourously and in a deeply disappointed tone, "I thought that of my 3 children, you have your own mind, the strongest mettle and will not succumb to the brain-washing of these hypocritical Christians. Never did I expect you to be so weak."

It pains me that our sovereign God excludes a good, dependable and dedicatedly hardworking man like my father from His grace and mercy and I'm at a loss to understand why. Why are there so many Christians who are blatantly flaunting their sin and insubordination to God and so many good, considerate non-Christians? Consolation from well-meaning friends along the lines of 'You'll understand when you see Him again' feels woefully inadequate. How can I understand and rejoice if my family is not with me when we see Him again?

It is even more painful knowing that if he believed, there is a good chance my ma and my sis would have followed suit. When told that I was going to be baptised, my caring ma, wanting to be in the know of all her darling children's developments, grilled me on the time, the place, the proceedings, my perception of the pastors who lead the church. Gingerly asking her if she would like to attend 'the most important event in my life', she hesitated before shaking her head, "I must follow your pa. If he doesn't go, I won't."

I wish I can end this entry on a high note, but all I feel is despondence and numbness. Prayers feel useless, tears are dried, debates ended leaving broken hearts, explanations falling on deaf ears. Christ's words "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law — a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'" (Matt 10:34-36) seems unnecessarily cruel when you're the person who has to live through it. My hope, and a foolish hope it seems, is that if He can turn me - a person who had been decidedly against Him and His Son - to Him, He is able (and prayerfully willing) to turn my family to Him.

Guarding our Hearts

Triggered by Pearly's post, I thought about how as girls, desiring intimate relationships, we have a tendency to give our heart quickly to our intended. Our imaginations give hopeful meaning to the most insignificant of communication, and without a thorough consideration of the intended's character, our hearts fly at the slightest hint of mutual chemistry.

My brother-in-Christ gave me advice that should filter away people who either appear ungodly or whose character is yet to be fully known.

Make 3 independent lists of:
1) Qualities in a man/woman which fully please God
2) Qualities in a man/woman which instantly attract me (truthfully, not considering whether these characteristics are godly or ungodly)
3) Qualities in a man I can be a good helper to/in a woman I can lead towards godliness

It was eye-opening when I reviewed the lists after doing this simple exercise.

By making the concerted effort to keep in mind the discrepancy between attractive qualities versus God-pleasing/encouragement of good helper/leader qualities or the awareness that we still don't know if the intended shows God-pleasing qualities, it will help to prevent our heart flying along with the mutual chemistry.

However what should we do if knowledge of each other grows and we become more convinced that the intended reasonably exhibits qualities in lists 1 and 3?

Even if he is smsing/e-mailing/msn messaging you every single day, perhaps even tens of communication every hour, keep to the position that he is only a brother-in-christ and he is only treating you as a sister-in-christ until he expresses the wish to bring the friendship to another level. If necessary, reduce the frequency of one-to-one contact to the point where you are fully able to see him solely as a brother-in-christ.

It works minisculy in giving an imaginative girl like me a measure of guard so for you who are more down-to-earth, I'm sure it'll give even better results. ;) In this way, may we be like Ruth, less distracted by subjects God never meant for us to have and be able to fully focus on what He wants us to do with the lives He had given us.

Our mastery over sin?

Note: This is not the actual interpretation of Rev 17. Rather in reading Rev 17, this was an off-tangent thought that came to my mind - inspired but independent of the interpretation of the text.

"Oooohhh.... this chocolate cake is sinfully delicious."

"Her spending all this money on books is absolutely sinful."

"Errmmm.... they're in a sinful homosexual relationship."

In our world today, there is a tendency to trivialise sin, see as sin in others what may actually only be a differing way of glorifying God in an individual's life (being pharisaic) or simply classifying as sin only what is sexual/obvious in nature.

Yet we know through the bible that sin is anything that offends our Holy God and is contrary to His nature.

In reading Rev 17, I understand the text as in the beginning, the scarlet woman riding, seemingly in control, of the beast, satan's minion, yet being shredded and eaten by the beast in the end who hates her all the time.

Bringing it to a micro level, seeing it applicable to an individual's life (as opposed to a worldly superpower), I recognize its similar element to flirting with sin: In the beginning, to gain what the world says is desirable - fame, wealth or sometimes it may even be something seemingly good like the totally godly/talented/gorgeous man/woman of your dreams, we may start thinking, "That little lie/gossip/backstabbing/unloving conduct/using of another individual wouldn't hurt anyone and will only bring me good, so why can't I do it? After all, if I don't tell that big lie/gossip/backstabbing/unloving conduct/using of an individual in a certain way, God wouldn't be offended would He?"

Like the woman thinking that she's in control of the beast and getting what she wants from it, we think we're in mastery over our lives and the little sins in our lives (while seemingly getting alot more leverage out of our little concessions), we ride the beast, perhaps blissfully unaware it is gnashing its teeth with hate for us as it tempts us down the slippery slope to sin. We lose track of the moment when we lost control and sin has its hold on us, when God gave us over to our sinful desires (Romans 1:21-32) until we are mauled and eaten alive by the beast, allowed by God as part of His punishment.

"Be Holy as I am Holy" is a high calling, a simple statement with very deep implications. It means living a life which does not allow a simple iota of sinfulness in our consciousness; It means not hiding behind the fact that "No human is perfect": that since we will never be perfect, allowing that little sin to pass will still 'qualify' us as godly in man's sight; It means doing our darnest best in every conscious action, thought and behaviour to be guided by God's holy standard which we can only achieve in His strength.

It is only this, the full focus on glorifying God no matter our circumstances that we may fully stay His people - even should our limited strength means that no matter how hard we try, there will be sinfulness in our action, thought and behaviour that we may fully "Come out of her, my people, so that you will not share in her sins, so that you will not receive any of her plagues;" (Rev 18:4) and we may one day shout, "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.) (Rev 19:6-8)

Agape

Silverust wrote a poem on the spot after a theme of 'Agape' was given via msn. I thought it was pretty cool so I'm sharing it here with all of you.

When it comes to love
Many try to be experts
For some, they love to use words
Birds, trees and mountains are their symbols
Just a fancy way to trick impressionable girls

There are others who are more specific
To the point, that's their trick
But what they are displaying is actually Eros
One of the 3 expressions of love

The other if u are familiar is Phileo
That's when one guy can hug another just like a bro
Between brothers and sisters is a love that's pure
But there's one more on a higher floor
That's agape.

Agape is the way to go,
There is no higher for every meaning has no meaning without God
So love with all your heart, ignore the world around
because it's Agape love that is all that matters to be found.

Take Me In

Sung an older contemporary Christian song, 'Take Me In' today that reminds me of the great privilege we have gotten through Christ Jesus in allowing us to meet with our Abba Father, the lyrics can be found here

The song takes us through the various places in God's temple in Old Testament (OT) times. The outer courts being where the lay Jewish people offer their sacrifices on the brazen altar, a golden basin where priests wash themselves before they minister to the people. From there an inner sanctuary can be entered called the Holy Place, inside which separated by a thick, heavy curtain where God's glory itself resides, the Holy of Holies. In OT times, no person can enter the Holy of Holies except the high Priest and him only once a year after sacrifices have been made for sin so that he can offer incense as worship to God on behalf of the people. Death strikes any person who dares invade the Holy of Holies because the holy God cannot co-exist with sinful flesh. Yet the Holy of Holies, the place we cannot enter by our own selves, is the only place where His total righteousness is found.

It is with thankfulness as I think about the chorus of the song, "So take me in to the Holy of Holies, Take me in by the blood of the Lamb" - its meaning is really plain isn't it?

In Revelations 11:1-2 "(John) was given a reed like a measuring rod and was told, "Go and measure the temple of God and the altar, and count the worshippers there. But exclude the outer court; do not measure it, because it has been given to the Gentiles." For lay jewish believers, this is horrifying because only priests are allowed entry into the Holy Place. The implied meaning being that the only people who are spared the 2nd death - an eternal torment in the lake of fire (Rev 20:14) are the true worshippers, the real priests of our God, in the Holy Place, who are given access to Him directly, only by the blood of the lamb.

Why is that so? Only after the Father's wrath was fully satisfied, was 'the curtain of the temple torn in two' (Luke 23:45), then Christ, hanging on the cross, 'called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.", he breathed his last.' (Luke 23:46) Only by Christ's death on the cross, was the curtain torn and we are given free access into the Holy of Holies, only by the blood of the lamb.

The last line is a reminder of our right response "Take the coal cleanse my lips, here I am" - Isa 6:5-9. That after we have been justified and given the free gift of the righteousness of the lamb, brought into the majestic Holy presence of our King Himself whom we are unworthy to behold, our thankful response should be to be sent for God's service.

Isn't His gift of Himself such an awesome gift? And shouldn't this access to our King Himself, be taken a little bit more reverently especially by lazy people like me?

The problem of loneliness

Read Island's post that really struck a chord in me. You can read it here.

In the working place, it feels so lonely and it is easy to think that one is the only person who is living in the 2 worlds, living out our citizenship in heaven in a sinful world. It also feels so tiring having to make out the wheat from the weed in the workplace, even among people who call themselves Christians.

Sometimes, it also just feels like I've given a gun to others to shoot myself with, when I do my best to live out what I believe and understand to be God's will, no doubt doing this very imperfectly - perhaps even action taken when wisdom is absent. Alot of times in frustration, I wish I still am an unbeliever because decisions are so instinctive and which will no doubt earn me more brownie points in the 'popularity' and 'easier' stakes. These decisions sometimes caused estrangement with fellow working colleagues because they feel I am working against their interest causing greater isolation and more work. Coupled with the fact that I tend to withdraw emotionally from people who I feel shows risks of hurting me, there are many times I feel so alone and wish I can just turn back, forsake my attempts and simply make peace at the expense of righteousness. In addition, uninvolved 3rd parties' implied jibes are an additional burden and although able to respond quickly to them, they drained my energy and give me greater desire to withdraw and be alone, away from work, even away from Christian fellowship when self-serving Christians are part of my problem.

It was only after a more 'mountain out of a molehill' incident where I looked to more mature sisters-in-christ guidance and prayer, that I realize the importance of a prayer group. With more mature and experienced godly sisters-in-christ, I realized I've gained the following:
- Models of Christlikeness: because they've gone through much, much more, their commitment to godliness is even more rooted than mine and it raises up the bar by which I should strive towards in Christ Jesus.
- Encouragement and fellowship: Patiently enduring my stammering out the facts, so stifled by frustration, annoyance and anger, they supported me emotionally and helped me feel that I am not alone!
- Prayer: They expressed blind spots that I, as an involved party, was not aware of, asking God for help in areas that I may not ask Him for myself. They prayed for me, even when I'm too tired, too depressed, too disappointed - times when I need God the most.

Thank God for His Church! Dear God, give me the wisdom to differentiate between the wheat and the weed and to know the good and wise thing to do in every situation. Thank You for the siblings-in-Christ you have given us because of your adoption of us as your children. Help us in every way, to support each other to run this race that we may finish this race until we meet You face-to-face. And help me remember to pray for the people around me that we may strengthen each other, working in unity the way You had intended it to be.

Wondering if you are truly saved

Read this dialogue with someone who wonders if he is saved. It has touched me deeply for some reason, pray that it's the same for you.

http://www.carm.org/dialogues/lose_salvation2.htm

满于现状 / Full Contentment

我这生命的季节，电话总是寂静，寂静的。

在还没成为信徒前，是被周遭人物欣赏、仰慕、崇敬，促动的。所以电话无动静，是一大忌讳。就连现在成为信徒之后，电话无声，贪婪的心时常还会觉得不被重视、被遗弃、被遗忘。

今夜如常，电话照样无动静，霎那心里划过一丝不满的情绪也不知觉产生一股意识：你不是常埋怨没时间静下来吗？这可不是你最好良机？怎不感谢主呢？

在那时刻，我才真正了解，神给于每一季节的状况，都有它连身的喜悦与挑战。每一季节，不是在于把焦点放在那挑战上，感不满，而是在于完全的生活在每刻，感谢主给于的这一刻和它所有的喜悦与挑战，完完全全的生活在他的旨意里。就像我现在虽希望能被实体的人群围绕，何不抓住这机会，与真实、可贵的君王同在，并从他丰富的话语获得我的满足呢？或举例说明，如现在单身，欣然的活在那季节，完全接受它所有的喜悦与挑战，若在一段感情里，则欣然接受那状况和神赐的配偶。

Memorable Quote

"Even if the forces of darkness seem to prevail, believers know that evil and death will not have the last word."

God's Will in the grey areas of our Lives

Recently, I and the people around me have been put in situations where siblings-in-christ all hanker after the same thing - and only 1 person could get it. This can arise in business (1 particular account or same targeted market), in jobs (1 promoted position) or in love (highly likely in the physical churches where girls outnumber guys 3:1).

This had led to strained relationships, unresolved emotions and tangible tensions in gatherings. All involved are highly uncomfortable and it's awkward to see the gymnastics and sensitivity involved to extricate the individual parties from those situations.

It’s simple to see (hard to follow) what we should do: To first obey what is explicit and clearly known in the bible, then to prayerfully proceed wisely with the circumstances given in the grey areas. In essence, we are simply called to live up to the 3 simple commandments as His kingdom people, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your strength, and with all your soul, and with all your strength and with all your mind", "Love your neighbour as yourself", "Love each other (fellow believers) as Christ has loved us".

The logical progression then is to first resolve the division between the 'competing' parties (doing everything within the purview of your stewardship, trusting in Him to work on the other party which is out of our control; letting go only after you're convinced that the person has personal ambitions that has overtaken God's rightful place). To truly see that it is good if any party gets the goal and (in the example of business/job) do our darnest best in God's will to get it or (in the example of love) to let nature takes its course and then leave everything in God's hand to give or withhold as He wills (because it is all His (not ours) in the first place) and trust that 'He will work for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose'.

Some examples of loving your neighbour as yourself could be as simple as:
i) Reflecting on the question 'What will I like the other party to do for me?' and doing exactly that for your neighbour.
ii) Analyzing how the person likes to be communicated to and then using that method (applied to the best of your knowledge) to move towards loving communication so that understanding and love can be progressed towards.
iii) (In some cases where it just gets too uncomfortable) Perhaps it may be to give each other space (making it clear it's not a result of estrangement or indifference) so that each can reflect prayerfully and find the best ways to love each other even more - acknowledging that both have similar and conflicting interest in the subject yet not compromising on your love.
iv) Others - you're much more creative than me, perhaps you can give me ideas for how to increase in loving action? ;)

Some people may ask at this point, "No really, practically, what should I do?" This suggests 3 things to me:
i) Firstly you really feel the bible and all its principles are not applicable to (your) real life now
ii) The subject has replaced the rightful position of God in our hearts and there is the aim of having the subject at whatever the cost - either because of personal ambition or of fear of losing out because you perceive the other party to be driven by personal ambition. It is not wrong to have desires; however it had in all likelihood morphed into sin the moment it takes priority over following God and His will.
iii) There may be principles in the bible I'm not aware of, which you can perhaps point out. ;)

Some of us may also be reading Revelations and know the guarantee of His second coming. If the above first 2 cases represent the true heart's desire, then the question is 'How ready are we to face Him and are we really worshipping Him with our entire lives as true heavenly people?'

Christ's call to us is "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26). This includes the desire towards the subjects we are pursuing, and all things nearest and dearest to our hearts as we follow His will. Christ's final command to His disciples just before He was crucified was, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34-35) Unlike the world, which is characterized by pursuit of fortune, fame and eros all for oneself, at whatever the cost and whatever the expense of other people, kingdom people are to be known by our love and unity in Christ Jesus. It is this faith and this alone that should warrant possible division that we may keep our doctrine and knowledge of Christ pure and right that we may not believe in an error.

In saying all these, I'm not necessarily saying to martyr yourself and give up your heart's desire to the other party. Rather, it is to give your heart's desire to God, submitting it in His care and concentrate with help from the Holy Spirit to do what He explicitly commands us to do: Love each other as I have loved you. We, and our conflicting desires are not each other's enemies, rather mightn’t Satan be using this (using you!) as a foothold to drive a wedge in sibling love?

When we focus on doing the good that He wills, it will definitely lead to ultimate joy. This will be all worthwhile when we look into His eyes and see His pleasure of us participating in His love, even if right now the world tells us that we have lost. It will not matter when we see our Agape again, whether or not we have obtained the subject of our affections. Woe is the day that unbelievers are able to exhibit actionable love far better than His own people. Wouldn't we put Him to shame the day He comes again and unbelievers regale Him with stories of how believers were divided by their own selfish ambition?

Following Him and His clear will for us may sometimes appear hard especially when we don’t know His will for us with respects to the subject of our affection, and the desire towards our subjects that we seemingly have to offer (which is not ours in the first place) to Him, seemingly precious and too high a cost. Yet weighed against what He has promised and what He has promised to spare us from, does it really matter?

Working for God's glory

[Thanksgiving item: Praise God I'm back in BSF! *breakdancing* 1 of the best systems so far in keeping me disciplined in my bible study, will treasure 'my membership' in it.]

The very first question I grapple with when (at last) absolutely and fully convinced that my entire life is to be lived for God's glory is "What should my life's work be?" then secondly, "Is it to gear myself towards full-time church ministry/missionary work?"

The prayerful answer for me is an immediate "No" (although this answer is for this season and may possibly be changed at a later season in His good timing).

When sharing this answer with the people around me, the implicit response I sensed from them seems to be, "Are you sure (this is the prayerful answer/your heart has not been hardened by being steeped in worldliness/you are truly following God)?" Thank God that I have friends who truly care about my spiritual condition and who wants to know if I'm right with God. On the other hand, I admit I'm a little annoyed that they feel I'm not mature enough to perceive my current standing with God. (Let me not be blind when I think I see!)

You see, although I am mostly edified with the teaching on Proverbs during the month of June, I am not fully convinced about the teaching on work.

The lessons I perceived seems to be, work is ONLY for:
i) Putting food on the table
ii) Evangelism
(Correct me if I'm wrong)

I believe that the above are biblical positions and I raise both my hands and feet in support of them. I especially feel that evangelism in the workplace should be more vigourously championed, loving and effective evangelism techniques taught so that more people will become kingdom people.

My problem is with the concept "Only". It doesn't feel right to me that the way I spend 40-50% of my waking life cannot be offered for the glory of God in its own sake unless it becomes "a means to an end". I believe that everything I do can be offered for the glory of God in its own sake. I sing (currently mostly Christian songs) for the glory of God, moving to the kitchen should my mom express her annoyance "with my noise", I connect with friends (prayerfully it is lovingly) for His glory - laughing, making jokes, encouraging them when I can, I swallow my annoyance and do what I don't feel like doing (gritting my teeth and doing my best to discipline my heart so that I'm not cursing in my heart) for His glory, so why can't I simply work for His glory without considering it solely as a means to an end?

(To be continued...)

Attractive Evangelism

http://christhacks.blogspot.com/2005/09/attractive-evangelism.html

Love, Love, Love!

[Update: Thanks to God and to all for your prayers. Despite not getting enough rest, not drinking enough water and no time for cough syrup and honeyed water, somehow my voice got better and better through the day and I was able to emcee throughout the day. Praise God!]

It was no fun being one of the sisters' in my friends' wedding yesterday.

The groom was so obliging, coming on the dot to the bride's house by the programme sheet (when other grooms are known to dawdle so that there's less time to sabo them), doing everything (and getting his brothers in as well) we asked him to do, and then when the time drew near to move on to the next item on the programme, with anxiety, that he might miss the chance to marry his bride, clearly in his voice, "Hurry up leh, I've done all you want me to, let's not be late!" He really took the fun out by deprieving us of a chance to nit-pick "Aiyah, didn't finish the chilli, must toast and empty cup in one gulp" (cause he did it before we ask). *Sighz*

Throughout the entire proceedings, it was clear that wedding the bride is clearly what the groom really, really really desires in his life - the shaking in his voice when he pronounced the wedding vows in church, the commitment and love shining in his eyes as he sang 《月亮代表我的心》(looking at his eyes, fixed on his bride, I can sense the unspoken promises then, "I will take care of you and give of myself to you my entire life"), the holding of the bride tightly to his side when she was crying, doing his best to comfort her (as if offering her himself to make up for everything she had endured) so that if it's within his power, he will remove the pain in her heart.

I caught a glimpse of the love of Christ for His church described in Eph 5:22-33 and truly understood why the ideal love between husband and wife is meant as a representation of Christ and His church in their love and marriage. That realization made me so thankful that I'm loved at least so much by my Lord, my God, in making me His (and everything really being within His power to heal and fulfill all promises).

Seeing that love shining in his eyes, I just felt so, so privileged in being part of their love story. Although it is tiring and oftentimes, I am riled and annoyed with some people, in that moment, seeing their love, I felt so privileged that I was a part in making the fulfillment of their true love come to reality, because for the day, I am a part of that true love. I got a start though when I realized that that should precisely be the fulfillment from serving God in being part of His plan. Not because He needs me to, but it is a privilege to be a part of His love for us, bringing forward His plan to redeem His crying people into ultimate fulfillment and joy. In serving Him faithfully, one day, we will see the ultimate love in His eyes and rejoice that we had become a part of that all-encompassing love.

Seeing my discipleship group making it on time for rehearsals, giving of their gifts and talent for the progress of the wedding out of love for the couple was so edifying. It was gratifying to see some individuals quietly making arrangements, behind the scenes, to ensure that the wedding is in order - not for glory or the praise of men, but out of love for the couple, giving their time and effort, giving up precious time they could be spending with their loved ones, their family, their own selves. These actions are consistent with what was expounded by the officiating pastor in 1 John 4:7-21 during the wedding service. That love is not thinking of serving her tea but actually going to serve her tea.

These seemingly minor episodes also really brings to life for me the points C.S Lewis makes in his book "The Four Loves" when he expounds a little on Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple."

For the preparations of the wedding, in sacrificing their personal rest, time with loved ones for preparations for the wedding, does it mean that they feel their personal rest, time with loved ones is not important? In this case, in loving the couple and hating their rest and time with loved ones, it simply means they choose to let preparations for the wedding take precedence over their personal desires and priorities. Similarly, in loving Christ and hating our father and mother, our wives and children, our brothers and sister, it does not mean that Christ feels that we love our loved ones too much, but rather to let His will take precedence over the wills of our loved ones and love Him more.

Dear Lord, thank you for giving me another glimpse of how much you have loved me and a little bit more of what it means to love you. You are truly worthy of worship with my entire life.

What action will bring glory to God?

You're an employee of a particular big organization and part of your work requires working with external partners.

In the course of one particular partnership, the partner bends over backwards to accomodate the requests of your organisation, putting in many unaccounted man-hours and doing the best he can to clear beaureacracy on his side. Unfortunately, he is paid hourly and his accounted man-hours is low.

Further search into past partnerships found that a commercial (as opposed to the current ACADEMIC) partner in the same capacity doing less work but was paid double.

What action below would you do that will bring glory to God and why?

1) Report an inflated number of accounted man-hours by this new partner (although he already understands and accepts the lower figure) - it brings glory to God to fight for the underdog
2) Ignore it and continue on as agreed previously - your duty is simply to carry out your tasks
3) Report the accounted man-hours and mention the backbreaking work the man has done and doing your best to fight for more for your partner within your organization (knowing that it will simply be acknowledged in words with little corresponding monetary reward because everything has already been passed)
4) Other God-glorifying strategies?